Subject: NFL-PC

Hello Football Lovers,
Just in time for the SuperBowl, here are the new Politically Correct names for the NFL teams....Thanks for the update Mark....enjoy, Dave
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The Politically Correct National Football League would like
to announce its name changes and schedules for the new season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very
Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas
Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests,
and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay
Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the
showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts
and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of
Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while
the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food
Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The
Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel
to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters
later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats
will play the Chicago Securities-Traders-in-a-Declining-Market.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at
the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

Subject: Pet Tribulations

Hello again,
Here's a funnie that if you are a cat person you might enjoy..I figured there is enough seasonal things making the rounds, and perhaps the orchard might enjoy a funnie break....Thanks to those of you that sent this...Enjoy, Dave
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How to Give a Cat a Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand.

As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back
of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2
pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters......
 
 

How to Give A Dog A Pill:

1) Wrap it in bacon.

Subject: Political Effect on Santa!

Hello out there!
It was bound to happen! The vote counting debacle has carried over to the icon called Santa. It is hoped that it did not upset your Christmas morning too much. Thanks to a branch right here on the island...Thanks Don...Enjoy, Dave
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BREAKING NEWS:

BUSH SEEKS TO
ENJOIN SANTA FROM
CHECKING LIST TWICE

Lack of Standards Decried

Austin, TX (Dec. 13)--Attorneys for President-elect George W. Bush filed suit
in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list
and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction
against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his
traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one
additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit filed in Federal District Court in Austin, asks a federal judge to
"hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative
list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted without
amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."

"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's
totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check?
This checking, checking and rechecking over and over again must stop now,"
said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all
boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty instead
because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."

Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, blasted what he
called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."

"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just
walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or
nothing."

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr.
Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list.
The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney
said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony
she's asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to the latest development with
plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The
"Rainbow Mush for Justice" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits
and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokeself said he was
"deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's
losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself.
Experts feel that future Christmas celebrations could be placed in jeopardy.
Santa is apparently not qualified for any other job, and no one is sure
what he might do if he loses this battle.

Subject: Seasoned Greetings!

Hello All You Branches!
Several of you have asked for a reprise of the seasonal message I sent out several years ago. Here tis, Enjoy, Dave....
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Aa Bb Cc Dd Ee Ff Gg Hh Ii Jj Kk Mm Nn Oo Pp Qq Rr Ss Tt Uu Vv Ww Xx Yy Zz

AaBbCcDdEeFfGgHhIiJjKk MmNnOoPpQqRrSsTtUuVvWwXxZz
 
 

And Best Wishes to YOU and YOURS, for a VERY MERRY NEW YEAR!

From your friend and orchard caretaker in Friday Harbor, Washington

Dave Dobson
 

Subject: I Wish This Was Funny!

Hello again,
Here's another one from Don here on the island...This time of the year gives us pause to reflect....well pause away.....Enjoy, Dave
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If only we could....

RESIGNATION

I am hereby officially tendering
my resignation as an adult. I have
decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think
that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud
puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than
money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and
run a lemonade stand with my friends on
a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was
simple; When all you knew were colors,
multiplication tables, and nursery
rhymes, but that didn't bother you,
because you didn't know what you
didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because
you were blissfully unaware of
all the things that should make you
worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is
possible. I want to be oblivious
to the complexities of life and be
overly excited by the little things
again.

I want to live simple again. I
don't want my day to consist of
computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive more days
in the month than there is money in the
bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness,
and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of
smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,
justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here's my checkbook
and my car-keys, my credit card bills
and my RRSP statements. I am officially
resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this
further, you'll have to catch me
first, cause........
......"Tag! You're it."

Pass this to someone and brighten
their day by helping them remember
the Simple things in Life.
((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
 
 

Hope Ya'll join me !

Subject: The Year in Review!

Hello,
It's that time of year when you might review your accomplishments in the year 2000. If you find yourself coming up short, take a look at these individuals! All of a sudden, your year will look much better!!! Enjoy, Dave
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Darwin Awards 2000.

They have finally been released!

For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given
to the person who provided the Universal human gene pool the biggest
service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates
appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had
dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel
Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed,
burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer
banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones,
a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue
workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200
people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was
wearing.

6. Sylvester Bridal, JR, 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta,
27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in
the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off of a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his
skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Marty Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window
was closed.

4. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more
heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30am.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a
coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is
that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other
explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND NOW, FOR THE WINNER:

1. PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed
his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged up pachyderm
finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he
struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to
evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police
detective Erik Dern.
With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least
an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.
"It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."