Subject: Comments and Thoughts...

Hi,
It has been awhile...Have not been feeling up to snuff...Perhaps this will begin to make up for the gap....Enjoy,,,Dave
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"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell." - Aldous Huxley

"We all have to die some day, if we live long enough." - Dave Farber

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other
knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other
points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true.
I have the heart of a little boy-- in a jar on my desk." -Stephen King

Inspirational quotes:

-Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

-I don't get even, I get odd.

-I'm having an out-of-money experience.

-There's no need to fear falling-- it's the sudden stop at the bottom
that warrants the fear.

-Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

-The trouble with doing something right the first tije is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it is.

-Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

-Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

Subject: "Proverbially Speaking"

Hello Again,
Some things are just so true, they become proverbs...Here are some new ones, thanks to our branch in Carson City...Thanks Pam & Lew......Enjoy, Dave
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NEW PROVERBS

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets
angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Subject: Learning

Hello,
It's been awhile, sorry about that, I will make an effort to correct it in the future. In the meantime, here is something to really think about from Pam down in Nevada. "Laughter is the best medicine". Thanks Pam..........Enjoy, Dave
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17 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
 

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be meetings.

3. There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His
messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we all believe that we are above average drivers.

15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.

16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

17. Your friends love you, anyway.

Subject: "Wisdom of the Aged"

Hello again,
I'm on a roll! Here's a funnie from a branch clear over on the east coast! Thanks Jim. Enjoy, Dave....
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Age
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7, It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9, I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10, Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play
chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

17, The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

Subject: Theoretically Speaking

Hello!
There are no limits. And here are some recent theories to support that thesis. These were brought to my attention by a branch right here on the island...Thanks Mark....Enjoy, Dave
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A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.

Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory).
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary
works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics). Why Yawning Is Contagious:
You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change
outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then
yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic).
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at
a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics).
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure
skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the
body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously
fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics).
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted
in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the
lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl" wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion).
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant
slabs of hot buttered toast to the backs of a hundred tethered cats; the two
opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the
ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail
could easily link New York with Chicago.

Subject: Being "Creative"

Hello again,
Here are some funnies I came across, it is delightful when we don't take ourselves to seriously....Seriously.. Enjoy, Dave
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Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

Sign outside a radiator repair shop:
Best Place in town to take a leak.

Maternity Clothes Shop:
We are open on labor day.

On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door:
Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Scientist's Door:
Gone Fission.

Taxidermist Window:
We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window:
Time wounds all heels.

Butcher's window:
Let me meat your needs.

Used Car Lot:
Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

Sign on Fence:
"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel:
"Help!" We need inn-experienced people.

Dry Cleaners:
Drop your pants here.

Veterinarians Waiting Room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Music Teacher's Door:
"Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Beauty Shop:
Dye now!

Garbage Truck:
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."

Restaurant Window:
Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley:
Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Music Library:
Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home:
Drive carefully, we'll wait.

Septic tank company's truck:
Your crap is our bread and butter.

Subject: "Time does tell"

Hello,
Here's another funnie from Pam down in Nevada. Not even Barbie is exempt from the process of time....Enjoy, Dave
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Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie
dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more
realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of
blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors
(half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print
edition of Vogue.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's
bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red
while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone
levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with
teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps
with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news
on the tummy front, too -- muumuus with tummy-support
panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto
heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's
dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice
stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those
pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin
Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting
cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as
a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts
off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and
Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white,
and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken.
Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal
trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with
Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading
for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real
tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes
with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have
finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she
does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober,
she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little
copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets
her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts
things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting
on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels.
Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the
book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Subject: Some "truths" about college...

Hello again,
Here is a funnie, or not so funnie based on your perspective..This is from Lisa right here on the island. Enjoy, Dave
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The Truth about College:

College is a bunch of rooms where you sit for two thousand hours or so
and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over
four years. You spend the rest of the time sleeping, partying, and trying
to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).

The latter are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology,
-osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things,
then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail
to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for
the rest of your life.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose
a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most
things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: be sure to choose
a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means
you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, or
geology because these subjects involve actual facts.

If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into
class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of
the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to
five significant vertices." If you don't come up with exactly the answer
the professor has in mind, you fail.

The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon
and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants
you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have
agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and
sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody
else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I
attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview
of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read
little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good
grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that
anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are
studying Moby Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby
Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it
as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you
say Moby Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is
sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will
think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with
lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there
is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in
philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists
are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester
training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then
training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster.
My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if
you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away
the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology
courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or
read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be
considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating
simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan
to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For
example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down.
You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical
behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a causal
relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory behavior
forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a
large government grant.

Subject: "P.C." Pathetically Correct

Hello again,
It has been awhile...Just finished a seminar here on the island and received the following funnie from our branch in Arkansas...Thanks Casey....Enjoy, Dave
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Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr.
Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology". The town's fathers were
not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and
Posteriors". This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High
Colonics". Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and
Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds".
Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Ass-holes". Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", "Nuts and Butts",
"Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally
settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones Odds and Ends."

Subject: Zen for the Millenium!

Hi again,
It has been awhile and I just couldn't resist sending these "Zen" thoughts to all of you...This funnie is from our branch in Oregon...Thanks Barbara..Enjoy, Dave
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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^
off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat
tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19 . The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.

20 . Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.

Subject: "10"

Hello,
This funnie was passed on from Carole a branch right here on the island. She got it from her sister in Californiay....Enjoy Dave
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A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright
and early and off they went to a theme park. He put
her on every ride in the park--the Death Slide, The
Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there
was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park
five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach
upside down.

Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double
Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake.

Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers,
popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and
collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant
dress size."

Subject: Another "blonde" joke?

Hello again,
One more time with feeling, from Carole and her sister....Enjoy, Dave.
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going
to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
burrito and jumped too. The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and
jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have
given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also weeped and said, "I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," Lyn said, "Steve makes his own lunch."

Subject: A brunette visits the doctor....

Dear Branches,
Just want to take a moment to acknowledge all of the mail wondering what had happened to the guy who tends the Joke Tree....Seems I have overworked my heart, and after spending more time in a hospital than is good for you, am finally back home.. My energy level was such that I didn't turn on the computer for weeks.
Well, I'm back again, and here's another female funnie..sent in by a lovely brunette branch from back east...Thanks Jeanne.......enjoy, Dave
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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible" says the doctor, "show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pokes her knees and screams in agony again.

She pokes her ankle and screams again.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?
You're really a blonde, aren't you?

She says "Yes! How did you know?"

"I thought so," he said, " your finger is broken."

Subject: Church Bulletin Board Bloopers!

Hi again,
Here's a real funnie from our branch in Baton Rouge...Thanks Sid.. And it definitely proves that even Churches need proof readers.....Enjoy, Dave
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Here Is a Compilation Of Some NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

PRAYER & FASTING Conference "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals".

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy"

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands".

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The "Over 60's Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with thanks.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are afflicted with any church.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".

Subject: Family get together...

Hi,
This topical and timely funnie is from our branch in Oregon. Thanks Barbara.
Enjoy, Dave
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Turkey Time

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and
says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the
old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking
about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and
he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You
are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do
we tell them for Christmas?"

Subject: "Business Altitudes"

Hello,
Here's a funnie for those of you in the corporate environment..enjoy, Dave
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to
solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you
were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

Subject: "Cowboy Medical Techniques"

Hello again,
I have been going through the accumulation of funnies that were sent to me these past few weeks, and here's a funnie from the branch down in Orange County. Thanks Jim.....enjoy, Dave
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Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust
from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and
talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind
them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or
so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys
turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.

No, the woman shakes her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt,
yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her
thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent
spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe
again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver,
but, I never seen anybody do it."

Subject: Not enough information..

Hello,
This one is from Anne, a branch in St. Louis. It is a healthy reminder to make certain that you get all of the pertinent information.. Enjoy, Dave
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after
dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the
boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist
asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be
rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes
inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are
seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers
to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!"

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!"

Subject: Meaningful Vocabulary!

Hi out there,
If you opened this on Thursday, have a great Thanksgiving! If you opened it later, here is a chance to expand your use of the English language..Enjoy, Dave
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.

6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when you come at them rapidly.

8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've
been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is
destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of
many species.

10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about
yourself that leads to sex.

11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies
dwell without funding.

12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

13) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who
come to visit.

14) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and
prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

15) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

Subject: "Florida Funnies"

Hello,
I make an effort to leave politics alone as far as the JokeTree is concerned, yet here are a couple that deserve to be spread around...Thanks Cliff and Sid...
Enjoy,,Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Japanese offer assistance....
 

Japan has just sent the United States 100,000,000 cases of Viagra.
They heard that our entire country can't get an election.
 

And in the Sunshine State, they have some new, Florida bumper stickers!

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of
the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Revote.

FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!

FLORIDA: Where our vote counts and counts and counts.

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.

Sign on I-95: Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles

Subject: Human's are Funny!

Hello,
Here are a selection of comments by fellow humans that just might make you think...These are from our branch in Orange County, Thanks Jim.....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 

AND THE DOOSIE OF 'EM ALL...............
 

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

Subject: Christmas in D.C.?

Hello,
Been busy, but am back on the tree again....Here's a funnie from St. Louis describing the plight in Washington D.C....Thanks Annie, Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in
Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find
three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Subject: "A Psychiatric Christmas Carol"

Hello Again,
It's that time of the year again and here is a funnie from a branch in Toronto...Thanks Cliff, Enjoy......Dave
---------------------------------------------------------------

SCHIZOPHRENIA:

Do you Hear What I Hear?
 

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
 

DEMENTIA:

I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC:

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.
 

MANIC:

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and
Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and
Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
 

PARANOID:

Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
 

PERSONALITY DISORDER:

You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell you Why.
 

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...
........(better start again)
 

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:

On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to
Me (and then took it
all away).
 

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

Subject: "Name Dropper"

Hello again,
Here's a break from the holiday jokes making the rounds. This funnie is from a distorted branch down in Texas.. Thanks Kathy and youall...enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bubba Knows Everybody!

Bubba's boss was getting tired of Bubba
proclaiming that he "knew everybody" in the world.

"Okay, Bubba," his boss said one day, "Prove to me
that you know everybody in the world. Do you know
Tom Cruise?"

"Oh, me and Tom go way back," said Bubba.

So the boss bought airline tickets to Hollywood
and pretty soon Bubba was knocking at Tom Cruise's
door, and was shortly admitted by the butler. Tom
rushed to greet Bubba and invited him for lunch, and
they had a good time discussing movies and things.

"Well, I'm impressed," said the boss when they left.
"But I bet you don't know President Clinton."

"Aw, sure I do," said Bubba, and with that, they were
off to Washington, and pretty soon, the White House
guard was escorting the two men into the Oval Office.

"Hi ya, Bubba!" said the President, warmly
embracing him.

After a nice visit and a chat with Cabinet Secretaries,
they left. The boss was suitably impressed, but not
giving up.

"Okay, Bubba, I'm going to ask you if you know the
ultimate celebrity - the Pope."

"Why sure I do!" said Bubba, and off they went
taking the next flight to Vatican City.

They found themselves in St. Peter's Square in a
crowd of thousands, and Bubba said, "Heck, I can't
see nothin' from here," so he went right up to the
Swiss Guards and the doors opened to him.

The boss waited outside in the Square. Pretty soon
the door to the upstairs balcony opened, and out
comes John Paul II and Bubba. They began to smile
and wave at the crowd, with their arms around each
other. Shortly thereafter, Bubba decided to return to
Square. When he got there, an ambulance was loading
his boss into the back.

Bubba rushed up and said, "What happened, Boss?"
The boss says, "I was doing fine until you came out
on the balcony and the guy next to me says, 'Who is
that guy on the balcony with Bubba?' "

Subject: "A Classic Response!"

Hello out there,
Occasionally something brilliant occurs on the mass media..Here is a bon mot sent to us by our branch in northern Californiay...Thanks Jim, enjoy, Dave.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the all-time greatest comeback lines of 1999 maybe ever...

Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio(NPR)interview
between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about
to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: " don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "but you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not
one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended