Subject: A special Ghooost story

Hi There,
Halloween is almost upon us and in keeping with the season here is a funnie from Lisa S. right here on the island..Please excuse the graphic descriptions.....Enjoy,,Dave
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
stomach upset.
Upon making several false-alarm (GAS) trips to
the bathroom he decided the latest was another and
stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea
and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
rational.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the
hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital
when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling,
cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left
the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As
the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
security guard who had watched the whole incident
walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all
about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I
think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

Subject: More Fun with Words!

Hi There,
Here's some interesting thoughts about words and the way we think about them...Thanks to our lawyer friend Casey...Enjoy, Dave
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While proof reading some stuff I had written recently for one of our web sites my mind started to wander (yeah, I know, what else is new?)... and it wandered (or aimlessly meandered) towards trying to understand our crazy language.

For instance: Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

And would someone please tell me how you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them? And if a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

How can we trust the dictionary, I mean if Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

In Dr Jack's Rules For Sanity... the first rule is simplicity.... but we are surrounded by the opposite in our language. Hey...shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?, why is abbreviation such a long word?, why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? and why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Whoever made up all the words we use had in mind (I'm convinced) driving the old Mad Doctor and the rest of you nuts!!!

Let me give you some examples before I go back to work.
a.. Why do we say something is out of whack? What the hell is a whack?
b.. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
c.. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
d.. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
e.. Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
f.. Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
g.. Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
h.. Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
and lastly:
a.. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Subject: Got your deer yet?

Hello again,
For all of you hunters out there, here's a funnie from Mark S. right here on the island.....Enjoy, Dave
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It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he
hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Subject: The "Effect" of government....

Hello,
In view of the news these past few weeks concerning arrests of grade schoolers with fingernail clippers, etc....this may not be funny at all. Thanks to Barbara P., our branch down in Oregone....Enjoy, Dave
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Permits

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There
was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to
get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she
neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to
the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the
examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited
for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I
had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth
timber from a recreational area."

Subject: "A late Halloweeney"

Hello out there,
Too bad this wasn't available last week...Oh well, better late than never.. Just received this from a brand new branch in Florida..Thanks Greg and Janice.....Enjoy, Dave
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A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a
BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP ... behind him.

Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright
coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards
him.

... BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP ...

The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces
quickly after him, faster...faster

... BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, and locks the door behind him, however, the coffin
crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping
... BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP... right on the heels of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the
door, coming slowly towards him. The man screams, reaching
for something, anything...all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough-drops at the coffin and
of course ...

... the coffin stops.

Subject: "Thoughts for the Daze"

Happy November Tenth,
Here are some thoughts to think about from our branch called Clifford up in Canada...Enjoy, Dave
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The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was
probably worth it.

You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

Who gossips to you will gossip of you.

When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a
negative one.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
them gently.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

The trouble with work is - it's so daily.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little
extra.

Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people are crazy. Check 3 friends,
if they are OK, you're it.

Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.

Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Subject: "A brief News Brief"

Hello,
Here's a funnie from a branch in Australia, thanks Greg.. Enjoy, Dave
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Ireland's worst-ever air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater

Cessna plane ploughed at speed into a cemetery early this afternoon in
Central Dublin.

Irish Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far, and
expect that number to increase as digging continues into the evening.

Subject: "Pattern Interuption"

Hello again,
Am back from my travels and just in time to pass on this ditty from Casey down in Little Rock.....enjoy, Dave
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A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the
new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room,
she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older
doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she
explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she
has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told
her she was *pregnant*?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his
clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

Subject: "Sad news at Thanksgiving"

Hello out there,
Here's the latest on Doughboy from Anne in St.Louis...Hope you have a great holiday in spite of this sad news.....Enjoy, Dave
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PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DIES.......

DATELINE: New York

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly.
Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies
in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including
Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty
Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend,
Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a
man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was
filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart
cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still,
even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough. They have two
children and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Subject: Help with "Retirement"

Happy week after Turkey Day,
Acronyms Abound! Here's a funnie from Marlene in San Diego concerning corporate concerns for early retirement....Enjoy, Dave
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EARLY RETIREMENT POLICY

Due to the current financial situation, the Company
has decided to implement a scheme to put all
employees over the age of 30 on early retirement.
This scheme will hereafter be known as RAPE
(Retire All Personnel Early).

Employees selected to be RAPED can apply to Management
to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Final
Termination).

Everyone who has been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed
under the SCREW scheme (Scheme for Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice,
but SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Employees who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS
(Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse)
or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Personnel
staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special Help Intensity
Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for
the generous amount of SHIT it gives its staff.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT,
be sure to bring it to the attention of your Manager.
He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

-- MANAGEMENT with a HEART

Subject: Engineers vs Cooking?

Hello,
Here's a great recipe for cookies just in time for the holidays, thanks to our branch down in Oregone...Thanks Barbara......Enjoy, Dave
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WHY ENGINEERS DON'T WRITE COOK BOOKS

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an
overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add
ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a
second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating
at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the
mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal
volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally,
add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care
must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any tempera-
ture rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven
for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's
first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden
brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C
heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Mmmm, Mmmm, Good!!

Subject: Y2K, Compliant?

Hello,
There is still time to get yourself ready for Y2K.. Here's an example from St. Louis..Thanks Patrick....Enjoy, Dave
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MEMO

To: My Boss

From: Blondie

Subject: Changing calendars from Y to K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I
have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company
calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and
are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.

Subject: Happy New Year, Legaly Speaking

Hello to all you Branches,
I apologize for not keeping on top of the Joke Tree material. Have been a bit under the weather, but things are looking brighter now.
In keeping with our governments concern for legal and political correctness, here is an approved greetings for the season as supplied by our branch in San Diego...Thanks Marlene....Enjoy, Dave
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HOLIDAY WISHES, LEGALY SPEAKING...

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .

A N D

A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the Jewish calendar, and calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America " in the western hemisphere,) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability or challenge, religious faith, or sexual orientation or preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and this warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Best wishes to you all and happy whatever!

Subject: Some Rules to Start the New Century

Hello and Happy New Year!
In this new century with all of the advanced technology, it is encouraging to find some dependable rules to base our decisions on. Our branch down in Arkansas offers these "Rules" according to Murphy..Thanks Casey. Enjoy, Dave
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Murphy's Technology Law #1:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law #2:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law #3:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law #4:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law #5:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy's Technology Law #6:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy's Technology Law #7:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law #8:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law #9:
All's well that ends . . . period.

Murphy's Technology Law #10:
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law #11:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law #12:
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law #13:
New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law #14:
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy's Technology Law #15:
We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy's Technology Law #16:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law #17:
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Subject: More "Politically Correct" Lessons

Hello,
I'm certain that our PC government would appreciate our utilization of correct terminology as soon as possible. Here are the new and improved correct phrases dealing with women. Incidentally, this information was provided by JokeTree member of the female persuasion. Thanks Anne from Missouri, or is it Ms.ouri now? Enjoy, Dave
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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

A. She is not a BABE or a CHICK --- She is a BREASTED AMERICAN
B. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER --- She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
C. She is not EASY --- She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
D. She does not TEASE or FLIRT --- She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION
E. She is not DUMB --- She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
F. She has not BEEN AROUND --- She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
G. She does not GET YOU EXCITED --- She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD
DISPLACEMENT
H. She is not KINKY --- She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER
I. She does not have a KILLER BODY --- She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
J. She is not an AIRHEAD --- She is REALITY IMPAIRED
K. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY --- She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED
L. She is not HORNY --- She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
M. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS --- She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED
N. She does not NAG YOU --- She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
O. She is not a SLUT --- She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED
P. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS --- She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR
Q. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE --- She is a LOW COST PROVIDER

Subject: Philosophy 2000

Hello,
These little gems of thought are from Casey down in the southland. Hope they get you started in the new year appropriately. Enjoy, Dave
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It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of
the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things
left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Subject: Fair Practice Doctrine

Hello,
It has been brought to my attention that in the past, that the Joke Tree has been trimmed unevenly with regards to humor that singles out the female branches, blonde ones in particular. In an effort to be more evenhanded here are some distaff rejoinders....Enjoy, Dave
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I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
* Dolly Parton-

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy.
* Erica Jong-

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
* Rita Rudner-

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
* Wendy Liebman-

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
* Erma Bombeck-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
* Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
* Roseanne Barr-

I think-therefore I'm single.
* Lizz Winstead-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
* Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
* Maryon Pearson-

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
* Gilda Radner-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything
done, ask a woman.
* Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
* Gloria Steinhem-

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
* Gloria Steinhem-

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that
comes home late at night.
* Marie Corelli-

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
* Baroness Edith Summerskill-

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
* Linda Ellerbee-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Subject: "Stress Reduction"

Hi again,
Psycobabbalists have come up with some "interesting" approaches. Here's one that might even work... Enjoy, Dave
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Is stress in the workplace getting to you?

In a recent seminar called *Stress and Disease by Dr.
Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology. He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this :
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a
rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as
you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every
rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that
I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

Subject: Another Female, Blonde Story..

Hello,
Well the branch in Arkansas does it again! Thanks Casey. This purports to be a TRUE story!....Enjoy, Dave
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A blonde story to end all blonde stories! A True Story..

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east
of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having
a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new
22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was
very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby
marina maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check
revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the
outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one
of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
choking on water, he was laughing so hard.(wait for it........)

(REMEMBER, this is TRUE.......)

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.

Subject: Some Things to Think About?

Hello again,
The midwest states are bearing more fruit...Here's another funnie from Anne in St.Louis....How do you "FEEl" about these? Enjoy, Dave..
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GREAT THINKERS OF OUR TIME?

1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I
would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if
we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we
cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
 

2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but
not with all those flies and death and stuff."

---Mariah Carey
 

3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered
other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."

---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
 

4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the
law."

---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.
 

5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life."

---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign.
 

6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
 

7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country."

---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
 

8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
 

9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president."

---Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
 

10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."

---Former French President Charles De Gaulle
 

11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it."

---A Congressional Candidate in Texas
 

12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

---Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
 

13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public
mind."

---General William Westmoreland
 

And last but not least -- a parting word from Dan Quayle:

14. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
 

Kinda makes you feel pretty smart doesn't it!

Subject: English, simply English?

Hello,
Here are some things to think about when you are considering the English language...Several branches referred this one, so Enjoy, Dave.
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What do you mean English is a difficult language????
 

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

This was a good time to present the present.

(And this last could mean "gift" or "era of time ")

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Subject: "Merger Mania"

Hi,
Here's a funny look at what some future mergers might look/sound like. Thanks Jim from Californiay.....Enjoy, Dave..
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The last few weeks have seen many mergers and anticipating
them could mean excellent market gains. Because you are an
astute stock market maven, you are receiving these likely
mergers so you will know what to expect.

1. XEROX and WURLITZER
(They're going to make reproductive organs)

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4. W.R.GRACE CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, FULLER BRUSH CO.,
and HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS
(The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR
(MMM Good)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE
(Deere Abi)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL
(Honey, I'm Home)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING
(Mine All Mine)

9. 3M, JC PENNEY and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY
(3 Penney Opera)

10. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN
(The new company will be called Knott Now)

11. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)

Subject: Super Bowl Secret!

Hi,
This is from Anne in St.Louis....Now we know what happened with the RAMS! Enjoy,, Dave
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John Madden was in Philadelphia to announce a football game one weekend
when he noticed a special telephone near the Eagles' bench. He asked a
nearby player what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to
God."

John asked if he could use it. The player told him "Sure, but it will
cost you $100." John scratched his head, then thought. What the heck, I
need a break picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid $100.
John was perfect that week.

The next week John was in Tennessee when he noticed the same kind of
phone on the Titans bench. He asked what the telephone was for and was
told, "It's a hotline to God, If you want to use it, it will cost you
$100." Recalling last week, John pulled out his wallet and made the
call. John was perfect that week.

The next weekend John was in St. Louis at the Trans World Dome when he
noticed the same kind of telephone by the Rams' bench. He asked Kurt
Warner "Is that the hotline to God?" Kurt said, "Yes, but it will cost
you 35 cents." John looked incredulously at Kurt and said. "Wait a
second, I just paid $100 in Philadelphia and Tennessee to use the same
phone to God! Why does St. Louis only charge 35 cents?" Kurt looked at
John and replied, "In St. Louis, its a local call."

Subject: "Modern" Metric Conversions....

Hello all,
This just in from our business consultant branch in N.Y.C. Just so you can be up to date with the latest metric madness. Thanks Francis, ..Enjoy, Dave
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USEFUL ENGLISH SYSTEM - conversions/units:

* Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter......Eskimo Pi

* 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at
Yale University Hospital................................1 I.V. League

* 2000 pounds of Chinese soup.............................Won ton

* 1 millionth mouthwash...................................1 microscope

* Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier..........Mach Turtle

* Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical
mile per hour..........................................Knot-furlong

* 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's
less filling............................................1 lite year

* 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone..........................1 Rod Sterling

* Half of a large intestine...............................1 semicolon

* 1,000,000 aches.........................................1 megahurtz

* Weight an evangelist carries with God...................1 billigram

* Basic unit of laryngitis................................1 hoarsepower

* Shortest distance between two jokes.....................A straight line

* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the
pavement................................................bananosecond

* A Half-Bath.............................................1 demijohn

* 453.6 graham crackers...................................1 pound cake

* Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step," the first step of a
one-mile journey........................................1 Milwaukee

* 1 million microphones...................................1 megaphone

* 1 million bicycles......................................2 megacycles

* 365.25 days.............................................1 unicycle

* 2000 mockingbirds.......................................2 kilomockingbirds

* 10 cards................................................1 decacards

* 1 kilogram of falling figs..............................1 Fig Newton

* 1000 milliliters of wet socks...........................1 literhosen

* 1 millionth of a fish...................................1 microfiche

* 1 trillion pins.........................................1 terrapin

* 1 million billion piccolos..............................1 gigolo

* 10 rations..............................................1 decoration

* 100 rations.............................................1 C-ration

* 10 millipedes...........................................1 centipede

* 3-1/3 tridents..........................................1 decadent

* 10 monologs.............................................5 dialogs

* 2 monograms.............................................1 diagram

* 8 nickels...............................................2 paradigms

* 2 wharves...............................................1 paradox

* 100 Senators............................................Not 1 decision

Subject: "Parenting", another perspective....

Hello again,
A branch right here on the island sent this in...Wish I had heard this when the kids were little...Thanks Mark...Enjoy, Dave....
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Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the
first thing He said was: "Don't"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve... we got forbidden
fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he
hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and
Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
Take two and keep away from children.