Subject: You could be your own Grandpa!

Hello again,
This just in from Casey in Little Rock. He swears that it does not describe his family tree...Who knows? Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Redneck Family Tree

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Subject: OXYMORONS

Hello,
Here are 35 examples of the confusion that the English language presents. Thanks to our 1000 Oaks branch, Ron........Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

35. State worker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Butt head
19. Military intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)
16. "Now, then..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance

And the number one top Oxymoron...

1. Microsoft Works

Subject: "Corporate Christmas"

Hello,
Shirley, our branch in southern California is helping us keep abreast of the latest developments for this coming Christmas season!
Thanks,,,,Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, It was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of
Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces,
we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A
great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher.
All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive
balance He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

Subject: Really Trivial, but Interesting

Hello out there,
Just in case you are ever asked, here are some answers for some unasked for questions...Thanks Ann.....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

. . . Dimes, quarters and half-dollars have notched edges,
while pennies and nickels do not?

The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold
and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of
the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half-dollars are notched
because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched
because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

. . . Men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes
have buttons on the left?

When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily
by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers
put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people were
right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on
the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

. . . X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

In the Middles Ages, when many people were unable to read or write,
documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an
oath to fulfil obligations specified in the document. The X and the
kiss eventually became synonymous.

. . . Shifting responsibility to someone else is called "passing the
buck"?

In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck,
from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a
player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the
buck" to the next player.

. . . People clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering
him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it
became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into
the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a
guest trusted his host, he would then touch-or clink-the host's glass
with his own.

. . . People in the public eye are said to be "in the limelight"?

Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting
by burning a cylinder of lime in an oxyhydrogen flame that produced a
brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage "in the
limelight" were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

. . . People say "mind your ps and qs" when they want you to be
careful?

When children write letters, they sometimes get their lowercase p's and
q's mixed up. To help avoid, mistakes, teachers of old used to remind
them to "mind your p's and q's."

A second explanation traces back to the old English pubs where pints
and quarts of ale were marked on a chalkboard under the headings "p's"
and "q's." When a patron had accumulated a high number of marks, the
patron would be reminded by the barkeeper to "mind his p's and q's."

. . . Ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday" as their call for
help?

This comes form the French word m'aidez -- meaning "help me"-and is
pronounced "mayday."

. . . Someone who is feeling great is "on cloud nine"?

Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain,
with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is aid to be on cloud
nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

. . . Zero scores in tennis are called "love"?

In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the
scoreboard looked like an egg and was called "l'oeuf," which is French
for "egg." When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced
it "love."

. . . Many coin banks are shaped like pigs?

Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense, orange
clay called "pygg." When people save coins in jars made of this clay,
the jars became known as "pygg banks." When an English potter
misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig.
And it caught on.

Subject: Look for your "sign"

Hello,
Just received this and lost the original so can't give credit where credit is due...Enjoy it anyway....Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Great Astrological Light Bulb Joke
---------------------------------------
How many members of your sign does it take to change
a light bulb?

ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out
bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing
who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help
them through the grieving process.

LEO:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their
agent will get aVirgo in to do the job for them while they're
out.

VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two.
Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the
Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical
Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

PISCES:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Subject: Numbers do count!

Hello Again,
This is from our nurse branch in California. Thanks Shirley.
Enjoy, Dave....
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like
to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old,
you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half. You're never 36
and a half ....You're four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump
to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be
12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words
sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad
milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed?
You BECOME 21; you TURN 30. Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over
there. You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then
you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that,
it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday...

You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My
Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment,
you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there....

Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become
a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

Subject: Parental Definitions

Hello,
It has been awhile since my sons were this young, but my memory tells me that these "definitions" are accurate..Thanks Casey..Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman
who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids
would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your
children the proper distance apart to keep you
on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your
baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when
you're mad at him.
 

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your
children are wonderful even though they're sure
you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone
mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of
labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to
be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with
older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws
other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than
yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's
pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's
pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a
child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's
face turns red and she begins to make those
familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your
house...

Subject: Technical Manuals, by Dr. Seuss

Hi,
Once again from down south a real funnie from Casey...Thanks. Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Subject: Y2K Warning!

Hello,
This just in from our branch in the Bay area..Thanks Jim. Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING!!!

Please take time out of your busy lives to check your toilet paper
stockpile. Make sure it's Y2K compliant!!! Word has it, if it isn't,
come Jan. 1, 2000, it will roll back to 1900, then turn into Sears
Catalogs!!!!!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

Subject: Engineering History

Hi There!
Here's some more wonderful trivia thanks to Casey....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS IS EXCELLENT. IT ANSWERS THE QUESTION THAT
MANY PEOPLE THAT CHOSE AN ENGINEERING OR SCIENTIFIC
VOCATION, ASK EVERY DAY.

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between
rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an
exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England,
and the first U.S. railroads were built by English
expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that?

Because the first rail lines in Europe were
designed and built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they
used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who designed and built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they
used for building wagons, which used that same
wheel spacing.

Okay, why did the wagons use that odd wheel
spacing?
Well, when they tried to use any other spacing, the
wagons were prone to breaking down on some of the
old, long distance roads, because that's the
spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe were built
by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.
The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts?
The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match
for fear of destroying their wagons, were first
made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots
were all made to certain specifications for or by
Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter
of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4
feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original
specification (Military, as it were) for an
Imperial Roman Army war chariot.

Subject: Mortgage Application?

Hello,
This little ditty was sent in by several branches. At first I was not going to send it on because of its political focus...Have decided to pass it on just so those of us who have negotiated home mortgages could have something to compare.....Enjoy?,,,Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I'm Alan
Greenspan. No, no relation sorry to say. May I call you Bill and
Hillary? Fine then, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it
is.

So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, four-something acres as I
recall. That's 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent
down--that's $440,000--leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000. No problem.
We do those kinds of deals all the time. Now let's have a look at
your financial statements.

Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of
course, and you salary is--oh, dear--$200,000 a year. We recommend
buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your
annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around
$500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not
too fancy a neighborhood?

And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What
will you do then? Open a library. In Little Rock. Arkansas. Wow. I
bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.

Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators are paid
$130,000 a year--assuming, of course, she's elected--so even with
your pension you're still looking at a house in the $825,000 range.
Maybe a nice center hall colonial where the schools aren't so good.

Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991,
correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a
plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. It
flopped, in other words.

But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How
about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt. And
Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. If
you had gone to Yale business school instead of Yale law, you could
probably get your money back Don't get upset. It was just a little
joke.

A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business
partners went to jail. Maybe you could get your money back.

This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does,
after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage?
No? Fine.

Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes, yes, Mr.
Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But--
oh!--those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That means you're $4
million in the hole. How do you expect to pay that off? You're
hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you're
relying on the charity of strangers.

You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be
setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the
air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? Ouch!

And Mr. Clinton, there's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying
in court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work.
Say, how do we know you're not lying on you loan application? Good
point. It would look a lot better if you were lying. Are there any
other legal matters we should know about?

You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is pretty
much in the clear indictment- wise. What does that mean? You
don't think--don't think--she's going to get hit with a perjury or
obstruction of justice rap. But we're not totally sure, right? That
means there's a remote possibility --note that I say "remote"--that
you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making
12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and he is trying to
make a go of a library in Little Rock.

Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the
other one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that
you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay. You have a
financial history that can only be described as "checkered", plus a
bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems. Your
tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.

So, Congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of homeowners!
You've got your mortgage!

Isn't that what happened when you applied for your mortgage? Don't
all mortgage companies operate that way ???

Maybe you just got the wrong one.....

Subject: Cleaning Cats

Hello,
Here is a solution for washing cats from our branch down in Arkansas..Thanks Casey..........Stand Back and Enjoy Dave,......
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How to Bathe a Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have
both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his
paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash
and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are
no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the
lid.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

A DOG OWNER

Subject: "Truth in office posters"

Hello again,
Here's a funnie just received from one of the branches..Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they
did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the
job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a
scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Subject: A "Brown" Blonde story..

Hello again,
Here is another funnie from Casey. Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A young blonde woman is so tired of blonde jokes that she dyes her hair
brown to see if it will help. She goes for a leisurely drive out in the
country one day and stops her car to let a large flock of sheep cross the road in front of her.

"Hey, shepherd," she calls to the person tending the flock, "I've got a
proposition for you."

The shepherd smiles at the pretty brunette, "What did you have in
mind?"

"Well," she says, "if I can guess the number of sheep you have, can I
have one?"

"Okay," the shepherd replies, "take your best shot."

She glances around and guesses 352.

"Wow, you're absolutely right," says the shepherd. "A deal is a deal so
go ahead and pick out your sheep." The woman quickly chooses one that
seems more playful and friendly than the others.

"Now," says the shepherd, "I've got a proposition for you."

"Let's hear it," says the woman.

"Well," says then smiling shepherd, "if I can guess your natural hair
color can I have my dog back?"

Subject: A Y2K Christmas!

Hello,
Hate to start the season so early, but here's a variation on theme sent to us by Casey...Remember, you saw it first! Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

'Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy
Wouldn't stop there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty shout,
Happy Y2K to you all,
This is a helluva night!

Subject: Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

Hello again,
This just in from Jim down in the bay area...If the Washington Post can print this, guess we can too... Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

This was in the Washington Post...the title of the article was

"Best Comeback Line Ever."
 
 

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male,
resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse
on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy
inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought
there wasn't,"he stated in a phone interview from the Lawrenceville jail.

Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the
road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with
evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed
to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of
his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer
Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at
this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you
realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight
in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?

Subject: Insults with class! No Joke!

Hello,
With vulgarity becoming so commonplace in the movies, television and everyday life, something was needed to provide some relief..Thanks to Mark, a branch here on the island, you now have a "classy, intelectual, insult generator" Enjoy, Dave
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Shakespearian Insult Kit
 

When you really need a good Shakespearean insult -- for memos, client
meetings, discussions with neighbors, etc. -- simply combine one word
from each of the three columns below, and preface it with "Thou."

Example: "Thou reeky, toad-spotted pignut."

(All phrases 100% guaranteed Shakespearean, or your money back.)
 

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
artless base-court apple-john
bawdy bat-fowling baggage
beslubbering beef-witted barnacle
bootless beetle-headed bladder
churlish boil-brained boar-pig
cockered clapper-clawed bugbear
clouted clay-brained bum-bailey
craven common-kissing canker-blossom
currish crook-pated clack-dish
dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole
dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb
droning doghearted codpiece
errant dread-bolted death-token
fawning earth-vexing dewberry
fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon
froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench
frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill
gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker
goatish fly-bitten fustilarian
gorbellied folly-fallen giglet
impertinent fool-born gudgeon
infectious full-gorged haggard
jarring guts-griping harpy
loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig
lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast
mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger
mangled hell-hated joithead
mewling idle-headed lewdster
paunchy ill-breeding lout
pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie
puking knotty-pated malt-worm
puny milk-livered mammet
qualling motley-minded measle
rank onion-eyed minnow
reeky plume-plucked miscreant
roguish pottle-deep moldwarp
ruttish pox-marked mumble-news
saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook
spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg
spongy rude-growing pignut
surly rump-fed puttock
tottering shard-borne pumpion
unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane
vain spur-galled scut
venomed swag-bellied skainsmate
villainous tardy-gaited strumpet
warped tickle-brained varlet
wayward toad-spotted vassal
weedy unchin-snouted whey-face
yeasty weather-bitten wagtail

Subject: Progressive Edjucation?

Hello again,
This just in from Don right here on the island. Even though the subject matter is logging, it may have relevance even in your neighborhood. Enjoy, Dave
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Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make
100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production
is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do
you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation
after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price
from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by
exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages savings.

Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits,
and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can
easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:
A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony
from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate
offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999:
A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several
people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?

Subject: Congressional Record?

Hello,
Barbara down in Oregon filed this appraisal of our current congress. Perhaps we should re-evaluate the "leaders of our country"?..Enjoy, Dave
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THE BEST CONGRESS MONEY CAN BUY....

Based on records prior to the summer break:

29 members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse,
7 have been arrested for fraud,
19 have been accused of writing bad checks,
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses,
3 have been arrested for assault,
71 have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card,
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges,
8 have been arrested for shoplifting,
21 are current defendants in lawsuits,
and in 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving,
but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.

Subject: "Government Speak"

Hi There,
Who sez that the government can't change? Thanks Casey, enjoy..Dave
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The inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior
to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address
of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until
the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it
was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to
tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

Subject: Deep Thoughts

Hi, and here's another one....Enjoy, Dave
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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me
alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help.

10. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything

11. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it
wasprobably worth it.

12. The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

13. The trouble with work is - it's so daily.

14. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little
extra.

15. Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends,
if they are OK, you're it.

Subject: Mergers! "This is a joke?"

Hi,
Here's one for the business spectrum...Enjoy?,,,Dave
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What with the MCI/Sprint/MaBell/MyPhone/YouNameIt merger, this seemed about right...
 

Just Six Corporations Remain

NEW YORK--MCI-WorldCom and Bank One-Chase Manhattan merged in a blockbuster $112 billion deal Monday, forming the world's largest
telecommunications/banking company and reducing the number of existing
corporations to six.

"This is an exciting move for both companies," said Donald Cosgrove, CEO of MCI-WorldCom, whose subsidiaries include SBC-Ameritech, Bell Atlantic-NYNEX and McDonnell Douglas. "As a result of this historic merger, we should be in much better position to consolidate vast amounts of wealth and power in the coming years."

The other five remaining corporations are Daimler-Chrysler, Monsanto-American Home Products,Mcpherson-Lehman-Chemical-Citicorp-Travelers
Group, Paramount-Viacom-ABC-Disney, and Lockheed-Northrop-Boeing-Pepsico.

According to Forbes managing editor Russell Belanger, at the current rate of mergers, there will be only one corporation in the world by 2000.

"The six remaining corporations have shown great interest in merging with each other," Belanger said. "Clearly, the stage is being set for the long-discussed creation of UniCorp, a $92 trillion corporation that produces every product on earth, from canned yams to basketballs to poison gas."

Belanger said mergers are desirable because they give corporations
"synergy," enabling them to better sell their products. "Take
Paramount-Viacom-ABC-Disney, for example," he said. "Disney makes the movie, Joel Siegel of Paramount-owned ABC-TV gives the movie a rave review, and Disney subsidiaries Blockbuster and McDonald's promote the video release of the movie in their respective stores with mail-in rebates and Happy Meal action figures. It's a win-win scenario."

Bill Clinton, chief executive of U.S. Government, a division of
MCI-WorldCom, praised Monday's merger as "an excellent move."

A spokesperson for the newly formed Bank One-Chase Manhattan-MCI-WorldCom said the company plans to cut 92,000 jobs this month.

Subject: New Words!

Hello,
Here's another funnie from Casey...Our language is evolving. Enjoy, Dave
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Let's hear it for a living language!

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Tatyr: A lecherous Mr Potato Head.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly or when you've
had just a little too much.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the Tax Office, which
lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid & an asshole.

Subject: More Language Lessons

Hello again,
From Casey again, more language funnies...Enjoy, Dave
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Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip
out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place.
-Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!"
-Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
-Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
-Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
-Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn.
Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find
a woman I don't like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program is, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy
 

HERE 'S THE BEST...........

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

Subject: And even more Bumper Stickers

Hello,
Here are some funnies from our friend Don here on the island..Enjoy, Dave
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BEST BUMPER STICKERS SEEN THIS WEEKEND

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Ax Me About Ebonics
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?