Subject: Big Business?

Hello again,
This ones from an old branch, good old Shirley in Los Angeles.....Enjoy, Dave
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You Know You Work
in Corporate America If ...

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three
different companies.

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third
World countries' annual budgets combined.

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

"Communication" is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

Art involves a white board.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

When 100% of your time means 20 hours.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare
time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."

Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get
every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

Change is the norm.

Nepotism is encouraged.

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures
are hanging in your cube.

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

You read this entire list and understood it.

Subject: "Truth is Stranger than"

Hello,
Here's another one from Mark S. (please, there is no blonde bias) Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
True Story right from the Associated Press:

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a
nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled
up, her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of her head. One
customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and
she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When
they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the
heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of
dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out
what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold
her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her
aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Subject: "Engineer's, perspective"

Hi,
It's about time...Have been busy with all sorts of things but just couldn't pass up this funnie from Barbara P. down in Oraghon.....Enjoy, Dave
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Comprehending Engineers-Take One

A doctor, a priest, a mechanic and an engineer are waiting to tee off on
the third hole of an exclusive golf course. Ahead of them is a slow moving
foursome that appears to be playing quite poorly. The course greens keeper
pulls up and the foursome asks him how such terrible players can be
allowed on the course.

"That's a group of firemen that lost their sight saving the clubhouse last
year." responded the greens keeper, "We let them play here whenever they
want for free."

The priest says, "How fantastic. I will pray that they get their sight back."

The mechanic says, "I will build them a golf cart that will drive itself to
the ball."

The doctor, "I will talk to my friends and see if we can perform some
operation to give them their sight back."

The engineer, "Why can't they play at night?"

==========================================

Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
 

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

==========================================

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the
plant and get some work done."

==========================================

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons,

Civil Engineers build targets.
 

==========================================

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
 

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

==========================================

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Subject: "Let me make this perfectly clear"

Hi again,
Good'ole Casey has done it again....so girls if you get upset,,,think of him...Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Blonde Painter

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided
to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs
as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I
have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?"
asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished,"
she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.

"You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Subject: Freedom of Speech, more Bumper Stickers

Hello again,
Thank you Mary Alice for adding to our Bumper Sticker collection..Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

New Bumper Stickers...

Ax me about Ebonics

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

Boldly going nowhere

Will Work for Sex

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!

Don't be sexist - broads hate that

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

I'm an imbecile and I vote

Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted

Subject: 1999 Darwin Awards

Hello again,
I'm back from the seminar in Lily Dale NY and am attempting to catch up with the accumulated mail etc. as well as getting my forms filed with the IRS in a timely manner...In the meantime, came across this years Darwin Awards which proves the statement that "truth is stranger than fiction" Enjoy, Dave
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Darwin Awards

In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his
.22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez
in the head, fracturing his skull.

In Elyria, Ohio, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to
use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second
floors of his house.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., and his wife Bonnie was also
injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2
a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would
happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal
inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she
had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors'
suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being
unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when
her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control
Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her
mouth,throat and stomach with no ill effects

La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a
cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said
later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog
and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that
the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper
during the entire episode," said Dr.Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really
seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each
time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we
really did expect to find an answering machine in there."

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the
middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered
and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before
the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the
icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is
that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.

AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller
was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a
mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered
torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.

The story unfolds as follows: Sherry Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day
of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure
why I did it," Mrs. Moeller said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone
would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver
Tim Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the
Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Pamela Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Bryan
Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing
Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, Corcoran bit down, severing two fingers
from Klesick's hand. Meanwhile, Sherry Moeller ran to help Tim Vegas from the cab and was
struck in the head and knocked unconscious by a falling piece of medical building masonry
jarred loose by the crash.

Subject: Play with words...

Hello again,
This funnie is from friend down near Portland. Thanks Barb.....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of
a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help .. after it bites your leg off.

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.

Why does it take 5 brunettes to change a light bulb?
To help out the blonde that's been trying for weeks.

How do you recognize a blonde at the airport?
She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes.

What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull

Subject: Notable Quotable's

Hello again,
Here are some quotes I think are worth examining....Enjoy,,,Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"I have not the smallest molecule of faith in aerial navigation other than ballooning, or of the expectation of good results from any of the trials we heard of. So you will understand why I would not care to be amember of your society."

-Lord Kelvin's remarks when he was invited to join the Royal Aeronautical Society in 1896.

"It is apparent to me that the possibilities of aeroplane...have been exhausted, and that we mut turn elsewhere."

-Thomas Edison

And in 1901 - two years before Kitty Hawk - Wilbur said to Orville, "Man will not fly for 50 years."

And the best one of all......

"Predictions are difficult, especially about the future."

-Casey Stengel

Subject: "Appropriate Appearance~

Hello,
Here's another funnie from our "Baun" branch down if California. Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on
what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a
pauper, the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.

"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,
and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story,"
replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to
wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes
right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got
conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down
to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Subject: Vocabulary additions for business

Hello again,
For those of you in the corporate atmosphere, these new words may become valuable for you to more adequately express yourselves.. Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in
an office or work group.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from
the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've
been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this
week."

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators
running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch
potato.

OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
over everything and then leaves.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe
$8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from
their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest
were just tourists."

Subject: Home Grown Multiculturism

Well, I'm able to sit at the computer again!! and just in time to pass this beauty on from my friend in Thousand Oaks....Thanks Ron.....cya, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys, a Nebraskan, a Texan and an Okie are out walking together
one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie Pops out of it. "I
will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Nebraskan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Nebraska." With a
blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Nebraska was forever made
fertile for farming.

The Texan was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Texas, so that
no foreigners can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of
the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Texas.

The Okie asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and
completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out."

The Okie says, "Fill it up with water."

Subject: Creative "Down Sizing"

Hello again,
We have a bumper crop today...Just received this from a branch in St. Louis. I'm certain it will have much more meaning to some of you than others...Enjoy,,,,Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: FW: New Employee Policy MEMORANDUM

To All Employees: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for
department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who
represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel
by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed
into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company. Provided they are SLAPPED, they can request a
review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of
Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with
the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to
get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has
AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).

As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
board that the company will continue its policy to train employees
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes
pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our
employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels
they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate
supervisor.

Subject: "This is the Army?"

Hello again,
Just finished the seminar, and am attempting to catch up with correspondence etc. This arrived today from a branch named Ron down in 1000 Oaks....Thanks Ron....Enjoy, Dave......
-------------------------------------------------------------------
U.S. ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our
units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a
message with your country, name of organization, the region, the
specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you.

As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K
Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and
compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please
listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the
United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good
hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing
runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this
service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special
consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth
technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit
of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please
write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that
Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a
first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid
Deployment Force. If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and
your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations
Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to
ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC
may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why,
as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted
at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a
condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your *** off
daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and
night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits
package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be
connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall
down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the
United States Army.

Subject: "A real Groaner!"

Hi !
Just in case you were not interested in the problems of military telephone communications, here are the results of playing with some words....Thanks Shirley.... Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him what?
 

Oh man this is good.......
----
---
--
--
--
--
--
--
--
--
--
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Subject: Marriage..More Kids Perspectives!

Hello,
"Out of the mouths of babes." More kids definitions...wonder where they get these perspectives?
Thanks to Dave K. Enjoy, Dave...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids."
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out."
Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them."
Anita, age 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no
diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and
have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just
the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes,
especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it."
Lori, age 8

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10

Subject: "One Liners"

Hello out there!
Here's a collection of one liners from our branch in New York....Thanks John. One Liners are just a little bit too long to be bumper stickers.....Enjoy,, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
One Liners
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job
- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Subject: "Life was simpler then"

Hi Everyone,
Here's a short but sweet one from the branch in California. Thanks Jim...Enjoy, Dave
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Two old ladies were sitting on the porch at the old folks home.
One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married
a long time. Did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said,
"No, I think we had State Farm".

Subject: "Life is a series of lessons"

Hi There,
Shirley, our budding branch from the San Fernando Valley has done it again....Enjoy, Dave
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1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be
yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal
school called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to
learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and
error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of
the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."

4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented
to you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the
next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not
contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here," When your "there" has become a
"here," you will simply obtain another "there" that again, looks better than
"here."

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about
another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and
resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. The answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside
you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this. or maybe you will wonder about it...

Subject: "Old Dog", new perspective...

Hello Again,
While we are at it, here's another one from Shirley. And she's not from Texas! Enjoy, Dave..
-------------------------------------------------------------------

An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat,
jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down,
and ordered a drink. As he was sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the
cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole
life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses,
and mending fences.... so I reckon I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm
not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my
whole day thinking about women. As soon as I
get up in the morning, I think of women. When I
eat, shower, watch TV. Everything seems to
make me think of a women."

A short while later she left, and the cowboy
ordered another drink. A couple sat down next
to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Subject: Lets get specific!

Hello,
Here's a first time offering from a branch in La Canada.....Thanks Lisa,,,enjoy, Dave
------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, " Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the
house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured
was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000? The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the
bitch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then 2 gun
shots. The maid comes back to the phone,

"What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

After a long pause the man says, "Is this 832-4821?"

Subject: Ponder these!

Hello out there,
Our "good ole boy" from Arkansas provided us with these funnies to think about. Thanks Casey. Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes: You will learn a lot
today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires

I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS but it uses up a 1000 times the
memory.

The Meek shall inherit the earth.. ...after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing it would have been done already

Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.

Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE...So keep on going.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Subject: Clarification for teenagers

Hello,
It has been awhile and I have been gathering funnies to send...Here's one from our branch in southern California..Thanks Shirley...Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
For you parents (and grandparents): Charles Sykes is the author of
DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered high school and college graduates
a list of eleven things they did not learn in school. You may want to
share this list with them.

Rule 1:
Life is not fair; get used to it.

Rule 2:
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you
to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3:
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4:
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He
doesn't have tenure.

Rule 5:
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a
different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.

Rule 6:
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your
mistakes. Learn from them.

Rule 7:
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.
They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and
listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the
rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8:
Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not.
In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as
many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course,
doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9:
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very
few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on
your own time.

Rule 10:
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave
the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11:
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Subject: Science News Flash!

Hello,
It has been awhile and I am beginning to get back up to speed. In the meantime our part time science guy in Arkansas is bringing us up to date..Thanks Casey.....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
NEWS FLASH !!!

The heaviest element known to science was discovered recently. The
element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no protons or
electrons, and thus an atomic number of zero.

However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75
vice-neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an
atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous activity of particles called morons, which impede every
reaction they come in contact with.

According to discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes
reactions to take more than four days to complete, when they would
have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of three years, at which time
it does not decay, but instead undergoes reorganization, complete
with catchy slogans. Studies show that the atomic mass increases
after each reorganization. The slogans are transitory.

Administratium is known to be toxic at all concentrations, and is
considered a cumulative poison. It is found in very high
concentrations in the Washington D.C. area.

--Today's Chemist at Work, July 1999

Subject: Andy Rooney

Hello again,
Never thought I would be quoting Andy Rooney...yet here are some funnies that I must have missed...Thanks Dave from Pittsburgh....Enjoy, Dave
===================================================================
Andy Rooney Blurbs

Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put
advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't
distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there
with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my
check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...
I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never
knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming
up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they
mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's
hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people
there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For
Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son
of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making
fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the
morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't
help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the
morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no
blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby
kicking. They say, 'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna
feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come
on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I
don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your
hand...It won't be long now..."

Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car
that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think
of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet
shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she gave you for your birthday.

Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars
a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand
bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I
live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I
don't think we should give free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a
day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they
don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they
have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo
Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and
then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in
and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's
always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents
to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know."
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
(Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe
you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone
sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny,
positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi,
it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I
hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the
love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...
Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop
sharing!

Subject: Some of us remember when,

Hello,
This collection of memories certainly does put things in perspective.. Let's hope this generation will pay more attention to history.. Thanks to Herral Long, our branch in Toledo.....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list
to try to give the faculty a sense of the mind set of that year's incoming freshmen.

Here's the 1998 list:

1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1980.

2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not
know he had ever been shot.

3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one
President.

6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember
the Cold War.

7. They've never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to
them, not a movie.

8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and
Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.

9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.

11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always
been plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.

12. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to
them.

14. They have never owned a record player.

15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are
pathetic.

17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What
do you mean there used to be beige ones?

18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably
never have actually seen or heard one.

19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

21. They have always had an answering machine.

22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they
seen a black-and-white TV.

23. They have always had cable.

24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.

25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.

29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.

31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a
football player.

32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even
the Civil War.

34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile
for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"

38. They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. is.

39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.

40. Michael Jackson has always been white.

41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

42. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

43. There has always been MTV.