Subject: Job Descriptions?

Hi again,
Here's a set of definitions from a definite friend of mine right here on the island..Thanks Don!...
Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value
of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the
wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
(Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in
a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee
cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a
"brief." (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl
enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think s/he liked
children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you
the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.

Subject: "Tis the Season"

Hello Out There!
Another Yule Season is upon us....and thanks to Mary Alice down in Louisiana here are some psychological bent yuletide songs.......enjoy.....Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA ~ Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY~ We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA ~ I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC ~ Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA ~ Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn ... or Deck the Halls
and Spare No Expense.
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY ~ Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PARANOIA ~ Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER ~ You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION ~ Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty
lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE ~ Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell ...
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ~ On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me (and
then took it all away)

Subject: Year End Thoughts?

Hi again,
What with the pereginations of the Congress and Mr. Clinton, perhaps it is time for us to reevaluate our lives and our priorities....Enjoy thinking about it.......Dave
------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mad Dog Mildon:

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but
narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but
enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but
less time; we have more degrees, but less common sense; more
knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more
medicine, but less wellness.

We spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too
angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
seldom, and watch TV too much.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years
to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing
the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger
things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted
the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write more,
but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes; but
lower morals; more food but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but
fewer friends; more effort but less success.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more
copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on
quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men and
short character; steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure
and less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses,
but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality,
one-night stands, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet,
to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window, and nothing in the
stockroom.

Subject: Christmas Greetings, 1998

Aa Bb Cc Dd Ee Ff Gg Hh Ii Jj Kk Mm Nn Oo Pp Qq Rr Ss Tt Uu Vv Ww Xx Yy Zz

AaBbCcDdEeFfGgHhIiJjKk MmNnOoPpQqRrSsTtUuVvWwXxYyZz
 
 

And Best Wishes to YOU and YOURS, for a VERY MERRY NEW YEAR!
 

Subject: Rules to Remember for the New Years!

Happy 1999!
Here's some delightful observations to start the rest of your life from my friend Casey down in Arkansas..Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Rules of Life
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be
yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school
called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn
lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and
error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the
process as the experiment that ultimately "works."

4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to
you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the
next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not
contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here,"
you will simply obtain another "there" that again, looks better than "here."

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something
about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate
about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and
resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is
yours.

9. The answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside
you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

Subject: Compulsory Education? Is there a problem?

Hello again,
Have been under the weather these past two weeks, and have neglected the Joke Tree. Here is another funnie? from Casey to start the New Year....Enjoy,,, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
KIDS & SCIENCE
_______________

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

* "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the
cow instead of the bull."

* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do
not breathe, you expire."

* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries,
vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
them and makes them perspire."

* "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas."

* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the
borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains
the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and
the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there
are five - a, e, i, o and u."

* "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

* "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

* "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and
down to make Artificial Perspiration."

* "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady,
rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head
between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

* "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in
this fight."

* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the
Earth through Africa."

* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

* "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

Subject: Funnie Signs

Hello out there!
Here's another one from Arkansas..Thanx Casey.....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

At a restaurant in New York:
"Tip-ing is not a city in China."

Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store:
"snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)"

On a dock in Juneau, Alaska:
"Safety ladder, climb at own risk."

Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA
"Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!"

Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various
places around my office building:
"Run like Hell!"

Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee)
"Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends."

Sporting goods store:
"With Fishing season upon us we have plenty of
crappie poles to fill your needs."

Sign on the wall of the office of
an ethnologist:
"Beware of bargains in
1. Parachutes
2. Life preservers
3. Brain surgery
4. Eye Care "

A bumper sticker in Portugal reads:
"Learn from your parents' mistakes:
Use birth control."

Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX:
"Nobody reads billboards.... But you just did :)"

Subject: Plan your Planning!

Hello,
This one isn't really a funnie, but I know that some of you branches might just appreciate this story, and maybe even impliment it.....Thanks to Dave K. in Pittsburg.....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

BIG ROCKS

One day this expert was speaking to a group of business students
and, to drive home a point, used an illustration I'm sure those
students will never forget. After I share it with you, you'll never
forget it either.

As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered
overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a
one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of
him.

Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed
them, one at a time, into the jar.

When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside,
he asked, "Is this jar full?"

Everyone in the class said, "Yes."

Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a
bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar
causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces
between the big rocks. Then he smiled and asked the group once more,
"Is the jar full?" By this time the class was onto him.

"Probably not," one of them answered.

"Good!" he replied. And he reached under the table and brought out
a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all
the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he
asked the question, "Is this jar full?"

"No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!" Then he
grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was
filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, "What is
the point of this illustration?"

One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter
how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit
some more things into it!"

"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this
illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first,
you'll never get them in at all."

The title of this letter is The "Big Rocks" of Life. What are the big
rocks in your life? A project that YOU want to accomplish? Time with
your loved ones? Your faith, your education, your finances? A cause?
Teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS
in first or you'll never get them in at all.

So, tonight or in the morning when you are reflecting on this short
story, ask yourself this question: What are the "big rocks" in my life
or business? Then, put those in your jar first thing!

--Author Unknown

Subject: "Weather Comparisons"

Air Temperature Calibrations:

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.

50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.

45 degrees - Oregon residents go to outdoor concert.

40 degrees - You can see your breath, Charlestonians shiver
uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

35 degrees - Italian cars don't start.

32 degrees - Water freezes.

30 degrees - You plan your vacation to Hawaii.

25 degrees - Water in Iowa freezes, Californians panic to cover
their fruit trees, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.

20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New
York City water freezes, Miami residents plan to fly to Hawaii.

15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in
your bed with you.

10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5 degrees - American cars don't start.

0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you
step outside.

-15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an
igloo, Arkansans stick tongues to metal objects, Miami residents
cease to exist.

-20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you,
politicians actually do something about the homeless,
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.

-25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get
the driver going.

-30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't
start.

-40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top
button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip to
Hawaii.

-50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the
bathroom window.

-80 degrees - Polar bears move South, Green Bay Packers and
Doug Flutie of the Buffalo Bills orders hot cocoa at the game.

-90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clinton resigns.

Subject: "It's only a Fable"?

Hello again,
Normally attempt to stay away from funnies that have to do with politics. But this isn't really political, it's just humor from another Arkansas'n good ole Casey. Thanks. Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Ant and the Grasshopper

ORIGINAL VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food
or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN AMERICAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands
to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while
mothers are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide
pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his
comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAGB (The National Association of Green
Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with green bias, and
makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of
greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and
everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green." Bill and
Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News
to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for
the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those
who benefitted unfairly during the Reagan summers.

Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten
rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax
hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC
drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the
beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a
proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his
retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary
gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit
against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing
officers that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms
who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to
be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to
maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which
the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are
showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of
****crats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

Subject: "Business Wisdom"?

Hi Again,
Casey has really been busy! Here's another one to spread around..Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often
try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
 

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Subject: Something to think about!

Hello,
Dave K. in Pittsburgh sent this to remind me that time is passing..We all know that! This unfortunately puts it all to well in perspective!! Enjoy,,,,Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

The people who started college this year were born in 1980.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era and did not
know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has only been one Pope.

They can only really remember one president.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the
Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

"The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.

CCCP is just a bunch of letters.

They have only known one Germany.

They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up.

Tienamin Square means nothing to them.

They do not know who Momar Qadafi is.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

They never had a Polio shot and likely do not know what it is.

Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been
plastic.

Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.

The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record Player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

Star Wars looks very fake, and the special effects are pathetic.

There have always been red M&M's, and blue ones are not new.

What do you mean there used to be beige ones?

They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have
never actually seen or heard one.

The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

Zip codes have always had a dash in them.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they
seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They were born the year that Walkman were introduced by Sony.

Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

They have never heard of King Cola, Burger Chef, Jack-in-the-Box, The
Globe Democrat, Pan AM or Ozark Airlines.

The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.

They have never seen and remember a game that included the St. Louis
Football Cardinals, Baltimore Colts, Minnesota North Stars,
Kansas City Kings, New Orleans Jazz, Minneapolis Lakers, Atlanta
Flames, Kansas City Scouts, Cleveland Barons, California Golden
Seals, or Colorado Rockies (NHL hockey, that is).

They do not consider the Seattle Mariners, Toronto Blue Jays, Colorado
Rockies (MLB baseball), Florida Marlins, Orlando
Magic, Miami Heat, Minnesota Timberwolves, Toronto Raptors, Florida
Panthers, Ottawa Senators, San Jose Sharks, or Tampa
Bay Lightning "expansion teams."

They don't know that Wayne Gretzky started in the WHA.
WHA? ABA?

They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a
football player.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII
or even the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile for
Camel", or "de plane, de plane!".

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
The Cosby Show, The Facts of Life, Silver Spoons, The Love
Boat, Miami Vice, WKRP in Cincinnati, Soap, and Taxi are
shows they have likely never seen.

The Titanic was found? I didn't know it was lost.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

They cannot remember the St. Louis Cardinals or Detroit Tigers ever
winning a World Series, or even being in one.

McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

Do you feel old now? Remember, the people who don't know these things
are in college this year, and get to vote knowledgeably about your future.

Subject: Funny "Business"

Hello Again!
Just to prove that New York is where it's at, here's a real funnie from our friend in the Big Apple, Doug O. Thanks Doug! Who said business couldn't be fun? Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

The last few weeks have seen many mergers, and anticipating them could mean
excellent Market gains. Here are some likely mergers to expect in future:

Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called
Fairwell Honeychild.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called
Poly-Warner-Cracker.

W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business
Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

3M & Goodyear: mmmGood

John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C. Penney, Metropolitan Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women: Knott NOW!

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da

Subject: "Self Improvement", anyone?

Hi again,
Here's another funnie from Doug in New York...Goes to prove you don't necessarily have to go to Los Angeles....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I was having an out of body experience one day so I grounded myself
and got centered with the help of my spirit guides and almost astral
traveled anyway, but the phone rang. I sensed the negative vibrations
so I threw the I-Ching and checked my numerology chart and nearly had
a primal, but my energy was too blocked, so I did some bioenergetics
and self parenting, took some flower essence and ate an organic oat
bran ginseng muffin, but my inner child wasn't feeling nurtured yet so
I had a Rice Dream Frozen Pie too, but that made me hyper so I did the
relaxation response while listening to my subliminal tapes, but I was
feeling depersonalized so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology
and past life regression, then rebirthed myself and called Moon Beam,
the bodyworker, to make an appointment for a Shiatsu, Rieki, Rolfing,
Feldenkreis, Swedish, Japanese deep tissue massage, but she flaked out
and never returned my call, so I decided to energize my crystals and
do some positive imagery because all my visualization techniques and
affirmations made my space feel invaded, so to get empowered, I got a
psychic reading from Mother HeartLove around the issue of my
assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have some energy for my
psycho-calisthenics and inversion swing before my harmonic brain-wave
synergy session, which made me more focused for my actualization
seminar, holistic healing class and dreamworkshop, so I'd be more
clear for my Gestalt behavioral cognitive transpersonal Reichian
Jungian Freudian Ericksonian session at the hot springs but my aura
was weak for my trance-channeling group so I fasted until noon to
recharge my chakras and I sensed my intuition was high and my cycle
was focused, so I turned on my ion generator to open up for my
neural-linguistic programming session, but I needed to have my pyramid
recharged before my guided synchronicity meditation, so I got some
cranio-sacral therapy, which aligned me for the fire walk, which was
between my tarot card reading and my sensory depivation tank
appointment, but after all that I felt what I truly needed was a
meaningful relationship to mirror myself so I went to my personal
shaman, and then to my guru, but they were no help, so instead I went
to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium
Workshop to find someone who really knew what was going on, but that
didn't work either, so I locked myself in a calcium coated Orgone Box
and went to sleep so I could "get it" in the dream state.

Subject: "Smell the roses"!

Hello out there,
Don't want to get maudlin, but this poem from Shirley down in California might be a reminder for all of us. Enjoy yourself. It IS later than you think and time is fragile.......cya, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever watched kids
on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain
slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Do you run through each day on the fly
When you ask "How are you?"
do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,
do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time
to call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away...

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

Subject: Y 0 K problem!

Hello,
Here's the first contribution from a good friend, Ron J. down in 1000 Oaks Cailforniay. Very timely, Very Funnie....Thanks Ron......enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mark Anthony,

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is
giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know
how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working
happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would
think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us
to sort out at the last minute. There are those predicting that our entire
economy will collapse from the confusion, chariots will crash in
mid-flight, the aqueducts may fall down, Vesuvius will erupt, the pyramids
will implode, and so forth.

I spoke to Cassius the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done
something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could
see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but
they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As
usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for
myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.

We have heard that there are 3 wise guys in the East working on the
problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive till it's all over. Some say
the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are
continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a
parchment if anything further develops.

Plutonius.

Subject: "Sounds good to me"

Hello,
Here's a philosophical appraisal of the process of life from our Jim B. branch in California..Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?

I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first.
Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young.

You get a gold watch. You go to work.
You work forty years until you are young enough
to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, drink alcohol. You party.
You get ready for high school. You go to grade school.

You become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby. You go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating ...
and you finish off as an orgasm.

Subject: Something to "think" about!

Hello all,
Here's a contribution from an old friend down in California....Thanks Greg! Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Think about it:

Dyslexics have more fnu
Clones are people, two
Entropy isn't what it used to be
Microbiology Labs accept Staph Only
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity
My reality check just bounced
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!
IRS - Be audit you can be!

Subject: Words. Anyway you look at them?

Hello Branches,
Been awhile, but worth the wait...Here's another clever one from good ole Casey in Arkansas. Thanks Casey, enjoy you'all......Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
These are amazing. I hope you find them as interesting as I did!

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by
transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either
has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble!!

Dormitory Dirty Room
Evangelist Evil's Agent
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it

This one's truly amazing:
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in
the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
Neil Armstrong
The Anagram:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on
moon! On to Mars!"

Nope, one more!
The following phrase is a perfect anagram to start the
impeachment trial: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each
letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Subject: "English" the International Language!

Hello, Here's evidence that the world is really recognizing the power of our language..enjoy,, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Funny signs from around the world

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to
do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9
and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people
of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent
unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex
in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it
to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the
long run.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then
tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
* English well talking.
* Here speeching American.

Subject: Y2K? Y to K?

Hello again,
There's certainly been a lot of flap about the Y2K situation that will soon confront us. Here's a funnie from Greg B. down in Californiaye that just might help you sleep better....enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Following is a memo from IT to senior management:

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and in budget. We
have gone through every line of code in every program in every system in
the company. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including
backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect this
change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K"mission,
and have now implemented all modifications to all programs
and all data to reflect your new standards.

Please change you calendars as follows:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September,
October, November, December

As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y-to-K
problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global
problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.

I couldn't help but wondering, what does the year 2000 have to do with it?
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the
two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We'll await your direction.

Subject: "Kids Keep it Simple"

Hello again,
Some delightful expressions from children....Thanks, Casey......enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Mark Twain's contention was that the most interesting
information comes from children, for they tell all they know
and then stop. These words of wisdom were all spoken by
children under 10.
 

You can listen to thunder after lightening to tell how close
you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it never mind.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow
they still manage.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while
others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explains why you look like your father ... and if
you don't, why you should.

Vacuums are nothing. I only mention them to let them know we
know they are there.

Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but I
have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappeaaring is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to
put the top on.

I am not sure how clouds get formed but the clouds know how
to do it and that is the important thing.

Subject: Book Titles

Hello, Here's another from Casey, books you will never read....enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

The World's 25 Shortest Books

25. My plan to find the real killers. by O.J. Simpson
24. The engineer's guide to fashion.
23. To all the men I've loved before. by Ellen DeGeneres
22. The difference between reality and Dilbert.
21. Human rights advances in China.
20. Things I would not do for money. by Dennis Rodman
19. The wild years. by Al Gore
18. Amelia Earhart's guide to the Pacific Ocean.
17. America's most popular lawyers.
16. Career opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors.
15. Detroit - A travel guide.
14. Different ways to spell Bob.
13. Dr. Kevorkian's collection of motivational speeches.
12. Italian war heroes of WWII.
11. Ethiopian tips on world dominance.
10. Everything men know about woman.
9. Everything women know about men.
8. French hospitality.
7. George Foreman's big book of baby names.
6. How to sustain a musical career. by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's guide to dating etiquette.
4. Spotted Owl recipes. by the EPA
3. Staple your way to success.
2. The Amish phone directory.

and the number one World's shortest book:

1. The book of Virtues. by Bill Clinton

Subject: "Mature" Thoughts

Hello again,
More funnie words of wisdom from Casey. Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

WORDS TO LIVE BY AS WE MATURE

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their
diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put
them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a
person gain five pounds.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes
away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now
I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling."
. . . caution -- leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the
right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the moment of
temptation.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what
I'm doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you
stop laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it
shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your
hips.

Age is important only if you're a cheese.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is
expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards??

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Subject: Veterinarian Fees?

Hello out there,
Here's a funnie from a new branch....Thanks Mark.....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog
down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body
and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is
dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this,
demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the
cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from
head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at
the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but
the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the
vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head
to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the
man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks
how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my
initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab
tests."