Subject: Public Service Announcment

Hello out there, and thanks to Herral Long in Toledo for this
announcement. Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
Camping Alert!

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer,
please note the following public service announcement:

In Yellowstone National Park, tourists are warned to wear tiny
bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn
away most bears.

Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail,
paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the
presence of Grizzly Bears.

Grizzly droppings are easily recognized because they contain tiny
bells.

Subject: "An Academic Appraisal"

Hello again,
This is from an academic friend in San Diego. Please do not take
offense. This is just the way they think....Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

Why God Will Never Get Tenure At Any University

1. Only published one book.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. He did not publish it in referenced journals.

5 Some doubt He even wrote it Himself.

6. He is not known for His cooperative work

7. Sure, He created the world, but what has He done lately?

8. He did not get permission from any review board to work with
human subjects.

9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by
drowning all the subjects.

10. When sample subjects do not behave as predicted, He deletes
the
whole sample.

11. He rarely comes to class-just tells His students to read the
Book.

12. It is rumored that He sometimes lets His Son teach the class.

13. Although He only has 10 requirements, His students often fail
His
tests.

14. He expelled His first two students for learning.

15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a
mountain top.

Subject: What's in a name?

Hello out there!
Here's a funnie from Sandra up in Buffalo! Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place it in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying "Jesus is watching you". He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after
a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next
big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more
valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you". Freaked out, he
shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the
voice. Finally in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep" the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you". The burglar relaxed.

"Warn me, huh? Who are you?"

"Moses" the bird replied.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "what kind of stupid people would
name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler
Jesus" the bird answered.

Subject: Details!!

Hello,
Here's one from my photographer friend Herral Long, in Toledo...Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon
arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and
sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her
address, JennJohn@world.net.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended
up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a
preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's
wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

Subject: "And we put men on the moon!

Hi again,
Here's another one from Casey Jones down in Clintonsville, Enjoy...Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she
was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and
they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM "thingy".

*************************************************

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back
into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their
computer would not turn on.

*************************************************

1st Person "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called
back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried
it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't
want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the
recipient would open it and read it."

*****************************************************

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this
remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. "Do you
think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery for this?
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's
a long walk."

******************************************************

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.."
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

****************************************************

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.
One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm
almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the
intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

****************************************************

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system
administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed
to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type
it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You
know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."
I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

***************************************************

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need
of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

**************************************************

And, one addition from a friend: She's been doing temp work at various
offices. At one place she became the resident expert on the photocopy
machine. One day there was a big backup. She went over to help and
found that no one knew how to stop the copier from "punching" three holes
down the side of each copy. She opened the paper tray, removed the
three-hole paper and solved the problem.

Subject: "Heavy Metal"

Hi there,
Isn't science wonderful? This was contributed by Mary Alice from Louisiana....Enjoy,,Dave.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: FW: Immediate Release : New Chemical Element Discovered

congrats to the new assistant vice neutrons...
Immediate Release : New Chemical Element Discovered
 

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major US research university. The element, tentatively
named "administratium", has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75
vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic
mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally
occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each
reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points,
such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can
usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.

Subject: One Line Attitude Adjusters

Hello again,
It doesn't take a whole day of sunshine to brighten your day, sometimes all that is required is something to break up the pattern we get stuck in. Thanks to Casey for these funnies.....Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
....and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

Subject: Funny Viruses?

Hello,,,Sandra in upstate New York provided this little funnie..Enjoy Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
Should you receive a document with any of the following
viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw your
computer out. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer
should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.
 

Freudian Virus

Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or
becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

Tonya Harding Virus

Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus

Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN,
2 if by C:\

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus

Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus

Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

Joey Buttafuaco Virus

Only attacks minor files.

Ronald Reagan Virus

Saves your data, but forgets where it's [sic] stored.

Jane Fonda Virus

Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then
slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting

MCI Virus

Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus

Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself
as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus

Activates every component in your system, just before the
whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus

Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist Virus

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says
everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus

Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each
of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to
be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus

Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1

The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a
message appearing on each half blaming the other side for
the problem.

Congressional Virus #2

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but
doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus

You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

PBS Virus

Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus

Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
erases them in "self-defense."

Subject: "Curious"

Hi There!
Here are some "random wonderings" I just received from Barbara Priest down in Oregawn...Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

1) If your vacuum cleaner really sucks, is that good?

2) A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station...

3) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

4) Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

5) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

6) Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

7) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

8) People seem to read the Bible a whole lot as they get older it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

Subject: "Professional Progress"

Hello Again,
Dave K. in Pittsburgh passed this my way, just couldn't resist sending it. Enjoy, Dave....
----------------------------------------------------------------

History of medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, Tom, eat this root
ÿ
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen.
ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿHere, Tom, say this prayer.
ÿ
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition.
ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿHere, Tom, drink this potion.
ÿ
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil.
ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿHere, Tom, swallow this pill.
ÿ
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective.
ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿHere, Tom, take this antibiotic.
ÿ
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work any more.
ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿHere, Tom, eat this root.

Subject: "Lawyers, again"

Hello,
Many of you have expressed your appreciation of the "Lawyer" flavored episode, so am sending this one that I just received from a branch named Sean Collins. Thanks Sean, Enjoy,,Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
A: One is a cold blooded bottom dwelling scavenger and the other
is a fish.

Q. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...
A. It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his
own pockets.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
 

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he
would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he
would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to
hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would
swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was
driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would
do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest,
"Where are you going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck
driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a
lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to
hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck
with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road,
narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was
certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest
and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking
bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled
out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second
lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able
to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to,"the first lawyer replied. "I
only have to outrun you."

Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all
the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin
arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself
at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside,
when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some
sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!". St.
Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the
Pearly Gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter
returned, he told the attorney,
"I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified
your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your
clients, and you're at least 108."/
 

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The
lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and
everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance
company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here
because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a
flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a
flood?" he asked.

I broke a mirror in my house the other day. I'm supposed to get 7
years bad luck - but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.

Subject: "Halloween Humor"

Hi Out There,
Just received this funnie in time for this weekend! Thanks Marlene D. from San Diego. Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.
The barmaid came over to take their orders.
"And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The third vampire shook his head at his companions
and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the
bar and called to the bartender,

"Two bloods and a blood light!"

Subject: Some more thoughts for any day!

Hello, Here's another funnie from good ole Casey Jones......Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

THE FACTS OF LIFE

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing
on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
(unless you re in Australia -then start worrying)

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.

Drive carefully.
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who
steps back to admire his work..

A man usually feels better after a few winks,
especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't
understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

Subject: Friendship Week!

Hello Friends,
Just received this from my friend David Ranney in Victoria...It eloquently describes what I call "the present of the PRESENT" Thought it was worth passing on...Thanks David.....Enjoy,, Dave
------------------------------------------------------------------
Imagine ... there is a bank that credits your
account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to
day. Every evening it deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use
during the day.
What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!
Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME. Every morning, it credits
you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of
this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance.
It allows no overdraft.
Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of
the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is
no going back. There is no drawing against tomorrow. You must live in the
present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in
health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.!!!!!!
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE-SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared
it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. And remember
that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present!
It's National Friendship Week. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They
make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a
word of praise, and they always want to open their heart to us.
Show your friends how much you care...Send this to everyone you consider a
FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK!

Subject: "She's from Minsk"?

Hello,
Here's some more humor from Dave K. in Pittsburgh.....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The
townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow
from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles.
So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of
milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided
they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they
would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.
When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved
to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left,
the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what
to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our
cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and
when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What
do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we
bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Subject: Sex Laws around the world?

Hello again,
This just in from Casey....(He's an attorney) and thought in view of todays climate you might find it of interest. For certain, someone in D.C. is lucky to be an American! Enjoy, Dave.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law:

"After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (Is there a waiting period?)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. <---wouldn't this endanger taking the left of something out when you meant to take the right out????

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Rather harsh) <----and American boys only worried about going blind.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute...Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)<---that remark came from the man that sent this list to me.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.) {this law had to be written by men }

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!!)<------I can't figure this one out.

In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. <------now wouldn't that put a bit of an edge to passion? lol lol

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (...presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Gotta love the good 'ole USA!)

Subject: "All you want to know about LOVE...

Hello again, Don't know where Casey comes up with these things, but here is a delightful treatise on the meaning of LOVE as defined by children....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

(questions answered by kids ages 5-10)

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can
spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom,5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big
ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody
sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome
boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to
clean up after them" (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE.
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how
you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest
of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do
it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it
doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on
television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have
been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons
of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention,
but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if
he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other
people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They
like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire."
(Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...
That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take
out the trash." (Randy, 8)

Subject: "We need more protection"

Hello,
Here's a frightening note passed on to me from Minnie K. right here on the island...Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may
be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the
smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the
organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making
this stuff up).

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-
induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is
the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should
make anyone think twice....

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole
nations.

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24
hours of eating bread.

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and
osteoporosis.

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you
into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following
bread restrictions:

1: No sale of bread to minors.

2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
ills we might associate with bread.

4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this
crucial issue.

Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.

Subject: "Deductive Reasoning"

Hello again,
Couldn't pass this one up. It is from the Baun Clan down in Califoniay....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook
it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it
up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held
it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger
and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The
teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she
asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up.
What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

Subject: "Very P.C."

Hello, Thanks again to the Baun Clan....enjoy, Dave
--------------------------------------------------------------------
MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Memo No. 1:

Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual
Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2:

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for
Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or
moccasins.

Memo No. 3:

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning
Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4:

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m.
Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is
mandatory.

Memo No. 5:

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task
Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6:

The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of
"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed
to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear"
and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist
before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the
appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF
representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7:

Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued,
effective immediately.

Subject: More Newspaper "Headlines"

Hello Out There, Here are some real-life funnies direct from the 4th estate! Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
* House passes gas tax onto senate
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
* William Kelly was fed secretary
* Milk drinkers are turning to powder
* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
* Farmer bill dies in house
* Iraqi head seeks arms

Some headlines are unintentionally suggestive:
* Queen Mary having bottom scraped
* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope
* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach
* Child's stool great for use in garden
* Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
* Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches the entire meaning in headlines:
* Eye drops off shelf
* Squad helps dog bite victim
* Dealers will hear car talk at noon
* Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
* Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
* Miners refuse to work after death
* Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
* Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Sometimes a goofed-up headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:
* Never withhold herpes from loved one
* Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
* Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes the obvious is stated, or is it?:
* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
* War dims hope for peace
* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
* Cold wave linked to temperatures
* Child's death ruins couple's holiday
* Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
* Man is fatally slain
* Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
* Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Subject: "T.C."

Hello again, Here's a real funnie from a friend down in Florida. Thanks Rie! After you read this, you will realize that the fact that you are able to read this proves that you are not "T.C.'d". Congratulations! and enjoy a great Thanksgiving.....Enjoy, Dave...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

JUST IN CASE YOU THINK YOU ARE TC (TECHNOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED),
THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCERPT TAKEN FROM A WALL STREET JOURNAL
ARTICLE
 

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag
the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the
system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into the
typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A
few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of
the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in
the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and
was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close
the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the tech discovered the man
was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that
his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The
"foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and
sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for
support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the
second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in
the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that
"Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

Subject: Relationships. "Some perspectives".

Hello and Happy T-Day!
Here's a funnie from John LaValle over in NYC.. Thanks John..."The comments and opinions below are not necessarily mine, but on the other hand,,".......Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Some very important statements of fact which follow regarding Men, Women & Relationships:

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps
they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. --Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I as in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Subject: "Logical"?

Hello again,
Here are some ponderings presented to me by Mary Alice down south..Thanks...Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two
cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could
it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the
universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint
you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland
called "Holes?

Subject: Country Western, "The Real Thing"

Hello again,
This just in from friend Rosy....She said she chuckled all day long, so did I....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of
The Worst (or Best) Country & Western Song Titles of All-Time

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed

2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?

6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

7. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.

8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine

9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car
Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal

10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

12. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite

15. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You

17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

22. Please Bypass this Heart

23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

24. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly