Subject: New Software!!!

Subject: MS Contraceptive98

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating
every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug
and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in
penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for
virus
protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the
non-propagation
of human beings. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three
products:

Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton
Utilities).
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.
The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98
Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the
sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is
a
package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be
known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION
Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs
and is
sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After
installation,
operation commences. One caution is that the user must have
sufficient
RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a
disconnect
is initiated, and the user gets the message,
"It is now safe to turn off your partner."
DRAWBACKS
Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major
concern
during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious
error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of
these
have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time
it
is used.

CONCLUSION
Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is
a
reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior
to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the
software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout
and
Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's
potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will
help users
do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

Subject: The writing is on the "wall"

Hello,
These are a collection of funnies that Casey sent me from down
south.. Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. *
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. * Men's
restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump
here. Your asshole is in Washington.
* Men's restroom, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Mass.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's
all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for
ice.
* Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia, Penna.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. Va.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
* Men's restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Ariz.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Ariz.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Vickenberg, AZ.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both - get married.
* Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Mont.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books, New York, N.Y.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to
have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Q: If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of
progress? A: Congress
* Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's Phoenix, Ariz.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills, Calif.

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,
Calif.

Subject: Adept Definitions!

Hello again,
Settling in to my new home has taken its toll on the Joke-Tree.
Here is a definite funnie from Good Ole Casey Jones down in ArKansas.
Enjoy,,Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

THE NEW DICTIONARY
------------------

Websters came out with a new dictionary to reflect the modern
times
Here are a few highlight of what's inside

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing
in
the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are
dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more
damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

and one to tell your boss...

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Subject: Anglophile Comparisons!

Hello,
Am still putting things away, getting ready for the September
Fun-Shop, yet when I received this from Jim B. down in California just
had to send it on... Enjoy,,Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
Why are the British superior to Americans?

In a recent UK television show, actor and comedian John Cleese
explained three primary reasons :

1. They speak English
2. When the UK holds a "world championship" they invite other
countries
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down
on one knee.

Subject: Modern "Civics"

Here's another branch provided by Don Yankovic...Enjoy,,Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
Here is LITTLE JOHNNY.

It is near the end of the school year.

The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to
do.

All the children are restless because of this.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself

Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the
question."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.

The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".

The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny was even madder than before.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for
you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".

The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of
the questions.

Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these
bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

Subject: Some "thoughts for today"

HI out there,
Here's something else that is funny from Little Rock...Thanks
Casey.. Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY.....

~ People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because
it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

~ Pity the insomniac, philosophic, dyslexic atheist: Who lies awake
at
night wondering whether there really is a Dog.

~ President Clinton has voiced support for school uniforms to cut
down
on violence. Yeah, it sure has done wonders for the Postal Service.

~ Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an
atheist?
A. Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

Subject: Some things to think about?

Hello again,
This is NOT a funnie. Thanks to Don in Friday
Harbor....Enjoy?...Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
* When they took the Second Amendment, I was quiet because I didn't
own a gun.

* When they took the Third Amendment, I was quiet because I wanted
protection.

* When they took the Fourth Amendment, I was quiet because I didn't
deal drugs.

* When they took the Fifth Amendment, I was quiet because I didn't
have anything to hide.

* When they took the Sixth Amendment, I was quiet because I was
innocent.

* When they took the Seventh Amendment, I was quiet because I thought
most civil suites were frivolous.

* When they took the Eight Amendment, I was quiet because I thought
anyone accused of a crime should be behind bars.

* When they took the Ninth Amendment, I was quiet because I thought I
was only entitled to the rights the government gave me.

* When they took the Tenth Amendment, I was quiet because I wanted the
all the states to have the same rules.
 

* Now they've taken the First Amendment, and now I can say nothing
about it.

David Lawler

Subject: "More bumper stickers"

Hello again,
Ever wonder who thinks these things up? Well whoever you are,
thanks... Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.

* Keep honking...I'm reloading.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

* All generalizations are false.

* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

* I brake for no apparent reason.

* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

* Rehab is for quitters.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.

* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

* No radio - Already stolen.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Caution: I drive like you do.

Subject: "a letter home"!

Hi out there!
Will be in California for a weekend seminar and am busy packing,
but just had to send this on...It's from Marlene down in San
Diego...Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring
you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't
read any
further unless you are sitting down ... OK?

Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and
the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when
it
caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I
only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost
normally, and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately, the fire
in the
dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas
station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the
ambulance.

He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live
because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to
share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is
kind of cute.

He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are
planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm
sure it will be before I start to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am
pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being
grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has
some
minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood
tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up,
thanks to my daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome
him
into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well
educated, he is ambitious.

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know,
after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind
the
fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love
him as I do. His family background is good, too; I am told that his
father is an important gun bearer in his native African village.

I guess that's it.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know ... There
was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture,
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do
not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.
However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I
wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter, Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great...I love it, though I miss you both
terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.

Subject: The Order of the World

Hello,
I'm back from a very hot Los Angeles. The seminar went well, even
though my body didn't like the weather. One of the emails waiting for
me was this one from my friend Casey down in Arkansas. If the ratios
are accurate, this might just give you a new perspective on our world
and for sure a reappraisal of the "New World Order". Enjoy,,,Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

If we could shrink the entire Earth's population to a village of
precisely 100 people, with all existing human ratios remaining the
same, it would look something like this.

There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from North and South
America, and 8 Africans.

51 would be female; 49 would be male.

70 would be nonwhite; 30 would be white.

70 would be non-Christian; 30 would be Christian.

50% of the entire world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6
people and all 6 would be citizens of the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing.

70 would be unable to read.

50 would suffer from malnutrition.

1 would be near death; 1 would be near giving birth.

Only 1 would have a college education.

No one would own a computer yet.

Subject: Everyone loves a "good" excuse!

Well here I am again....Casey is on a roll...just could not pass this
up even if I live in the State of Washington...Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling)
from the Office of Educational Assessment at the University of
Washington:

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa from being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his
face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He
was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.

Chris will not come to school today because he has an acre in his
side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we
thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend
her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold
and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever,
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Subject: Distaff thoughts!

Here it is, the Laborious Weekend.
Just to keep things kind of PC, thought I would spread this
around.. Have a great weekend...Enjoy,,Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

Woman's Random Thoughts:
 

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like,
"You know, sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to
eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't
all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,
"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous
toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen bitch... do it and you
die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing -- and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too
fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older
than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your
neck?"

Seen on a bumper sticker:
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Subject: Problems: Down Under

Hello,
Here's one from Jim over in hurricane country. Life is not simple
even in Australia....Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abbie:

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the
suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston
North, is married to an Australian. My Father and Mother have recently
been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently
dependent on my two sisters,who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have 2 brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape and murder of a
teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington
remand center on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute
who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working
girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has
recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as
possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our
own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry
working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested
in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully
theheroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to
bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally
honest with her. . . Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being
employed by Microsoft?

Jim
 

Subject: Bending Words

Hi, Here's a fresh one from a Priest named Barbara down in
Oregone....Love to play with words...Enjoy,,Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

LIGHTEN UP!

Q & A quickies

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: How do you get holy water?
A: You boil the hell out of it.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
A: She says. "Daddy, I need a new apartment!"
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: "Dam."
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: Where do you find a no legged dog?
A: Right where you left him!
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Subject: "oxy-morons"

Hello again,
Just in from Casey down in Clinton Country...Just couldn't pass it
up. Enjoy, Dave...
----------------------------------------------------------------
50 Oxymorons:

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works

Subject: Identity problems?

Hello again,
Two in one day! This is actually a test for E-Znet to find out
whether it is processed correctly....Enjoy anyway,,,,Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for
being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a
passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long
line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed
his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and
said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her
voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at
the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his
identity, please come to gate 17."

With the folks behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F--- you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but
you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

Subject: Convoluted Plotting

Hello,
Thought I would find something to take our minds off our
President's debacle....The following puports to be true, and if so,
truth is stranger than fiction....Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS
president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr.Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to
commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his
despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted
by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him
instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a
safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to
protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been
able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "A person who sets out to
commit suicide and ultimately succeeds even though the mechanism
might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide.
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below
at street level probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun.

The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely
missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking
Mister Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in
the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted
with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant.
They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man
said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the
unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the
killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had
been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's
financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to
use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation
that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of
murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed
that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly
despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's
murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March
23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth
story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical
examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of him.

(A true story from Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt)
 

Subject: Clinton "Stuff"

Ok, Ok, Wasn't going to add any Clinton thingys to the tree, but this
branch from Don Yankovic prompted me to change my mind....Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering
into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few
deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the
fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Subject: Some things to think about...

Hello,
Here are some provocative one-liners sent to us from Minnie right
here on the island...Enjoy, Dave
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Not everyone has film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it. Done it. Can't remember most of it.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parent's mistakes . . . use birth control.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

Out of my mind . . . be back in five minutes.

Born free . . . taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I just let her sleep.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS.

No radio . . . already stolen.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and it came back negative.

Where there is a will, I want to be in it.

Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

IRS - we have what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its
students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

How can I miss you when you won't go away?

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Subject: "Words to live by"

Hello,
Here's another twig from good ole Casey down in Rkansas...Enjoy,
Dave ----------------------------------------------------------------

Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don't
have to experience it.

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are
lost.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.

Politicians are like diapers: they should both be changed regularly
and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse
every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

I am an escapee of a political correction facility.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

Subject: "Land of Opportunity"

Hello,
Have been busy this past week conducting my fall FUN-SHOP. And in
between times attempting to keep up with the trials and tribulations
of our "esteemed" President. Therefor, I am offering the following to
help us all to appreciate the efforts of our government....
Enjoy........Dave
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Not raising hogs

While Internet Spam usually has about as much
appeal as the canned meat product, of the same
name, produced by the Hormel Foods Corporation,
sometimes there comes a gem which we just have to share.

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa,
received a check for $1,000 from the government
for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not
raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is
the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and
what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I
want to be sure that I approach this endeavor
in keeping with all governmental policies. I
would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that
is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just
as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will
be in keeping an accurate inventory of how
many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson,
is very joyful about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years or
so, and the best he ever made on them was
$422 in 1968, until this year when he got your
check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get
$2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate
on a small scale at first, holding myself down to
about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean
about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford
an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will
not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand
that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and
wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising
wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am
not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows"
business, so send me any information you have
on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand
that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file
for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured
you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,
Morgan

P.S. Would you please notify me when you
plan to distribute more free cheese?

Subject: HarMonica

Hello again,
Here's a funnie from Patrick, our Chiropractor from St.
Louis...This is a Test!! Enjoy,,,Dave
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A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going
to be stationed a long way from home on a
remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got
there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very long
time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to
do here in the evenings. Besides that we're
constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls.
Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying,
"why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to
his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so
that we make passionate love!"

"First let's see you play that harmonica!"

Subject: "Re-inventing history"

Hi Everyone,
This might just be timely...Thanks Jim... Enjoy, Dave
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Read the modern version of the famous Cherry Tree story.
 
 
 

George Washington is the Father of the Nation in the
USA. He is known as a very honest man because his father once
confronted him as a young boy and asked,
"George, are you the one who chopped down the
cherry tree, you naughty boy?" And he answered, "Father, I cannot
tell
a lie. I chopped down the cherry tree." After this, he was always
known as an honest man.

(Here is the 1998 version of this story)

"George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?"

"No, Dad."

"I think you are lying."

"No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."

"Son, I saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be
much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"

"Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take
complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was
legally and technically accurate, I did not volunteer information.

"Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the
ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse
in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am
solely and completely responsible.

"I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you,
my own father. I deeply regret that.

"I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a
desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

"I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock.

"What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall.
Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop
off individual branches.

So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the
saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore,
legally and technically, I told the truth.

I would also like to caution you, Father, to think about the person
who
first reported my chopping activities to you and ask yourself, "What
was their motivation to represent my personal and private tree
chopping in
such a scurrilous and public way?"

"Most importantly, Father, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle
of
this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family
relationship."

Subject: Best of 1997

Here they are! The Best Bumper Stickers of 1997! Enjoy, Dave
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* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* All men are idiots ... I married their king.

* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

* My kid had sex with your honor student.

* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

* Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.

* I love cats ... they taste like chicken

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

* Hang up and drive.

* Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming
and
yelling like the passengers in his car.

* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

* Cats... the other white meat.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find
a rock.

* Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off.

Subject: You too can be a song writer!

Hello Out There,
This came to me via Paul Klein in St. Louis. Here's a
"do-it-yourself" kit to write authentic "Blues". So, take a break
from the "non-sexual" escapades of the white house and stir up your
creativity!... Enjoy, Dave
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HOW TO WRITE THE BLUES
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray
with help from Uncle Plunky)

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman-
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs, not Volvos and Saabs. Other
acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does
fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a
depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit,
unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine that is kosher for Passover
c. Torani Italian Soda (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to
die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied
treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you
die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

17. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Women with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to
sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)

a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Mix and Match.