Subject: Progress! State of the Art

Hello,
Thanks to Mary Alice for grafting this latest branch on our tree.
Isn't science wonderful?... Enjoy....Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Latest Invention

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device
(BOOK) The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or
switched on.
It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its
cover! Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in
an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
information as a CD-ROM.
Here's how it works:
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(pages) (recyclable), each sheet capable of holding thousands of bytes
of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct
sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both
sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs
in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases
in information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply
use more sheets. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has
drawn some criticism from the mobile crowd. Each sheet is scanned
optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick
of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening
it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like
other display devices it can become unusable if submerged in water.
The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and
move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index"
feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected
information for instant retrieval.
An optional "Bookmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to
the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has
been closed. Bookmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single
Bookmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely,
numerous Bookmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to
store numerous views at once.
Only the number of sheets in the BOOK limits the number. You can
also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional
programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication
Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the
entertainment and education wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal
seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to
the platform.
Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Subject: Perceptions?

Here's a funnie from Scott Gates here on the island.... Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a True Story excerpted from a local radio interview:
The female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer:
"So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on
this adventure holiday?"

Mr. Jones:
"We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting."
 

Interviewer:
"Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones:
"I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer:
"Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be
teaching children?"

Mr. Jones:
"I don't see how; we will be teaching them proper range discipline
before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer:
"But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones:
"Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are
you?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------
And for you Anglophiles, imagine this:

An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive
English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above
her waist.
"Abit airy...." remarked the American.
To which the Cockney girl said, " 'ell yes! What did you
espect-feathers?"

Subject: "The message is the medium"

Hello out there,
This was forwarded to me by Dr. Pat down in St. Louis..Mind the
spelling.. Enjoy, Dave....
-------------------------------------------------------------------
ACTUAL Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins:

Read carefully! Small spelling and grammar errors can really make
a
difference!
 

1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.

4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north
ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.

8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister
in his private study.

10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.

11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the
ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will
join
in.

12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
cost
of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new
carpet
will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and
they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall.
Music will follow.

15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What
is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.

19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.

22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are
preparing for the girth of their first child.

23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

24) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed
potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

25) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours.

Subject: "Listen carefully"

Hello all,
It's Monday morning and here is funnie from Shirley to start the
week off! Enjoy, Dave....
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the
men says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I
come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend
howa to spella Mississippi.

Subject: "Green side up"

Hello again,
Summer is almost here and it's time to beautify the house. Here's
a funnie from Marci down in Californeyea... Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house.
The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and
told him what colors she wanted for each room.

As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I
would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window,
opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

He then closed the window and continued following the woman to
the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her
tour.

"In this room, I was thinking of an off blue," said the woman.

Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened
it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In
the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a
light rose color.

And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled,
"Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask,
"Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time
I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying
sod across the street."

Subject: What's fair, is fair..

Hello again,
After the last branch, "green side up", and not wanting to risk
the wrath of the many blonde branches of this tree, am sending along
this "get even" blonde joke from Jim Baun....Enjoy....Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she
would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap,so
she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and
a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely
declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know
the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win
the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that
there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the
game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at
her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and
searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde
politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Subject: Woman. The Scientific Assessment!

Hello,
This seems to be Ladies Day! This is a real funnie from Mary
Alice down in Louisiana...Enjoy,, Dave.
----------------------------------------------------------------

WOMAN - RESULT OF LAB ANALYSIS

Name: Woman
Discoverer: Adam
Mass: Mean 53.6kg - but variable from 40-200kg.
Frequency: Copious, especially in urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered by a paint film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from VIRGIN metal to common ORE. 6. Yields
if pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without warning and no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity enhanced by saturation in
alcohol. 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. 2.
Turns green when place next to a better specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be
maintained at different locations, as long as specimens do not come
into direct contact.

SAFETY CONTROLS:
1. Keep at a distance when in a volatile condition.
2. Isolate from sources of wealth.
3. Never store more than 3 together.....

Subject: Three sides to a story!

Hello,
Here's another funnie from Don Yankovic...Things are not always
what they seem. Enjoy,,,Dave.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my
wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to
catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could
tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal
where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to
the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the
railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started
beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't
fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer
and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand
that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he
fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore,
so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the
edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress
and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven
being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor
of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on
my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something,
because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing
of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for
very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I
thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and
kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment
and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just
let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned
but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."

Subject: Perspectives?

Howdy, here's one you might have seen before, but there is a little
twist at the end.. Thank you Barbara from Oregawn....Enjoy,,,Dave.
----------------------------------------------------------------
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being
female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard,
Captain"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all Males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being female.
Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The
native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as,
"if you don't know why I'm mad at you then I'm certainly not going
to
tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later
retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half you paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) thinks
that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their
reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they
ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have obtained a better model. 4. In
order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 5. Big power
surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Subject: Ah, Equality!

Hello,
In the spirit of fairness, am sending along this unbiased opinion
of the advantages of being a male in our society..Did I forget to tell
you, it is from a lady friend in California...Thanks
Shirley......Enjoy,,,Dave.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
100 reasons why it's good to be a guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends personal lives. 7. Your
bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 11. When
clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop at every shot of
someone crying. 12. Your figure is never a factor in a job interview.
13. Hunting.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you
go. 17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that
everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Relationships mean never worrying about your reputation. 30.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 35. You
don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy body every nite. 37. If
you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial peeing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 44.
Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get
to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 51.
Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the
room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming by. 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting
into a relationship. 57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without
even thinking. "He must be mad at me". 60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
about to leave you. 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him. 66. You never have to drive to another gas station because
this one's just too scary. 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a
beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment. 72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. Nobody "visits" us once a month.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79.
ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties are much better than bridal showers. 82. You have
a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy
condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You needn't
pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85. If you don't
call your buddy when you say you will, he wont tell your friends
you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior.
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become lifelong buddies. 89. Princess Di's death did not require
mailing flowers. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected. 91. You can cry once a year and be considered emotional.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
and throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't cut, blister,
or mangle your feet.
95. Movies are designed with you in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having a relationship/sex
with them. 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So
... notice anything different?" 99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
 

Subject: Applied Logic

Hello again,
Thanks to Don Yankovic here is a logical application of logic..
Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and
depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will
be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will
be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will
be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical
composers will eventually decompose.
On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians
will be devoted.

Subject: The "Answer" we've been waiting for!

Hello Tree Lovers,
Here's a funnie direct from the U.K. via New York. Thanks to John
La Valle... Enjoy,, Dave.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A chicken and an egg were lying in bed together. The chicken was
smoking a cigarette and looking very satisfied. The egg was frowning
and looked discontented.

The egg then muttered to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we
settled THAT question."

Subject: Perspective makes the difference!

Hello, Here's another funnie from Jim Baun in California. Things do
look, feel, & sound different depending on the way you process the
information..Enjoy, Dave..
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but
isn't:

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?
 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't:

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker

7. Look at the size of his putter

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
 

Subject: "Flexibility"

Hello,
Here's a funnie from California for those of you in the corporate
or political world. Enjoy,,,Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a
dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in business we often try other strategies with dead
horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we have always
ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride
dead horses.
6. Creating a training session to increase our
riding ability.
7. Changing the requirements that we can
declare "This horse is not really dead."
8. Hiring contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased
speed.
10. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
11. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's
performance.
12. Purchasing a product to make dead
horses run faster.
13. Declaring that the horse is
"better, faster and cheaper" dead.
14. Forming a quality circle to find uses for dead
horses.
15. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Subject: Female Comebacks!

Hello, Here's another funnie from Shirley in
California....Enjoy,,,Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Great Female Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same
reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
 

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Subject: Dear Abby?

Hello again.. While we are at it, here's another gift from
Shirley...Thanks. Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
These are actual letters and answers from Dear Abby:

1. Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the
hall from me. One is a social worker in her mid
twenties and the other a middle aged gym teacher.
These two women go everywhere together and I've
never seen a man go into their apartment. Do you
think they could be Lebanese?

2. Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He
cheats on me so much I'm not even sure this baby
I'm carrying is his.

3. Dear Abby, I'm a 23 year old liberated woman who
has been on the pill for 2 years. It's getting
expensive and I think my boyfriend should share
half the cost but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.

4. Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been
fooling around and when I confronted him with
the evidence, he denied everything and said it
would never happen again.

5. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months
and I didn't know he drank until one night he came
home sober.

6. Dear Abby, Do you think it would be alright to give
my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get
pregnant and couldn't but he finally did it.

7. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered.
I think she is going through her mental pause.

8. Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be 20 years old
next month. I'd like to give him something nice for
his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
signed, Carol.
Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like....give him a
tie.

9. Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five
months later his wife had a ten pound baby girl.
They told me the baby was premature. Tell me, can a
baby this big be that early?
signed, Wondering.
Dear Wondering, The baby was on time....the wedding was
late.

10. Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family
history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot
of money to do it. Any suggestions?
signed, Sam.
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.

11. Dear Abby, I am 44 years old and would like to
meet a man my age with no bad habits. signed, Rose.
Dear Rose, So would I.

12. Dear Abby, What's the difference between a wife
and a mistress?
Day and night.

Subject: Business is Business!

For those of you who can appreciate these...Enjoy,,,Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES FROM THE OFFICE

- Submitted by A. J. Smith
--------------------------------------
Quote from a recent meeting:
"We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I
find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss...
"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going
to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work:
"The beatings will continue until morale
improves."

A direct quote from the Boss:
"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss said to me,
"What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he
created to find a solution:
" I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have
any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

Human Resource Manager to job candidate
"I see you've had no computer training.
Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're
under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry
"We're only hiring one summer intern this year
and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the
boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

Subject: Income Tax Truths

Hello all,
Tax time is over, but it always delightful when one of "us" gets
"them". Thanks to Don Yankovic for this one... Enjoy....Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Note from H&R Block:
"Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no polishing
or enhancement to make it a good tax story. This is one of those. It
is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 994's weird and
bizarre denial of dependents and credits. The letter speaks for
itself.

"Dear Sirs:

"I am responding to your letter denying the deduction of two of
the three dependents I claimed on my 1993 Federal Tax return. THANK
YOU! For years, I have questioned whether these are my children or
not. They are evil and expensive.

"It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsibility,
that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to take care of
these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the
next year. You may apply next year to reassign them back to me and
reinstate the deduction, but this year, they are yours!

"The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal
training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge on any other
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year, she is
going to college. I think it is wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep
in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you
have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to
school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all
of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it
best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in
the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the
future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elder, who had a
rather good handle on the problem.

"Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes
are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day, if you do not incarcerate him first. In
February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer
who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'-ing houses. In
the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or
to Ogden, Utah? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His
hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal?
Learn to live with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out
a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of
filing your phone number with the Vice Principal. Oh yes, he and all
of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone
and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT
leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables,
inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you'll find
telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out
the 900 and 976 numbers!)

"Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 - going
on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed
clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of
her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive, so the
schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the
amount of the deduction you are denying! It's quite obvious that we
were terrible parents (ask the other two), so they have helped raise
this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most
people under 20 understand the curious patois she fashioned out of
valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/political doublespeak. I don't.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's.
It has added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears
hats backwards, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four
more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but
I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her.
She sort of 'nests' in her room and I think that it would be easier to
move the entire thing and find out what it is really made of.

"You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that
you get to pick which two you'll take. I prefer that you take the
youngest. That way I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but
then I'm free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two
girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military
academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible,
since I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the
$395 in additional tax and make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob"

Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date...

"Rats! They sent me the refund and allowed the deductions." (H&R
Block response: "Gee, Bob, sometimes you just can't get a break.")

Subject: Prize Money, but please pay attention!

Hello again,
Two funnies in the same day from Don.....Enjoy...Dave..
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar. He sees a large jar full of money. A sign
above the jar say's "Prize Money" The man orders a beer and
contemplates the jar/sign.

After a while he asks "what do I have to do to win the prize
money?" The bartender replies, "See that very, very, big man down at
the end of the bar? Well you have to knock him out! And out back is a
gorilla, He needs his tooth pulled! Now up stairs is a old lady, 95
years old to be exact, who has never been satisfied!!

The man contemplates the prize money and the big guy at the other
end of the bar. Soon enough he orders a shot of whiskey, shoots it
down, gets off his stool, walks to the other end of the bar, and
knocks the big jock totally out of this week!!!! The man strolls back
over to his stool and orders another beer.

The man contemplates the prize money and the back door. Soon
enough he orders a shot of whiskey, shoots it down, gets off his stool
and walks out the back door. (there was an awful lot of noise, dust,
grunting, groaning and gorilla grunts from the back door) The man
strolls back in the door, over to his stool and orders another beer.
(He is really scratched up and a bit bloody with really messed up
hair)

The man contemplates the prize money and the stairway up to the
old lady. Soon enough he orders a shot of whiskey, shoots it down, and
ask "now where is this old lady who needs a tooth pulled?

Subject: Can't find "No Fault" here!

Hello,
This was forwarded from Dr. Pat in St. Louis. It is worth sending
on. Enjoy,,,,Dave.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Read this, and let it really sink in...
Then choose how you start your day tomorrow...

Jerry is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good
mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would
ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I
would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had
followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the
waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural
motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there
telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the
situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I
went up to Jerry and asked him, I don't get it! You can't be a
positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry,
you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or
you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can
choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time
someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their
complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose
the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you
cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how
you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's
your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the
restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I
often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of
reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are
never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door
open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers.
While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness,
slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him.

Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the
local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive
care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the
bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him
how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see
my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had
gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "the first thing that
went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door, "
Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had
two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose
to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling
me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I
saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got
really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man" I knew I
needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,"
said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes' I
replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my
reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their
laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I
am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors,
but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that
every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

You have two choices. now:
1. Delete this
2. Forward it to the people you care about...

Subject: for the "Good Ole Boys"

Hello again, This one is from "Good Ole" Shirley in
California...Enjoy, Dave.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
25 REASON WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

1. you can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. beer stains wash out.
3. you don't have to wine and dine beer
4. your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you
play football. 5. when your beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. beer is never late.
7. a beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 8. hangovers
go away
9. beer lables come of with out a fight.
10. when you go to the bar you know you can always pick up a beer 11.
beer never has a headache = hehe
12. you don't have to drive a beer home
13. a beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer. 14. if
you pour a beer right you'll always get good head. 15. a beer always
goes down easy.
16. you can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17. you can share a beer with your friends.
18. you always know you're the first to pop a beer.
19. beer is always wet.
20. beer dosen't demand equality.
21. you can have beer in the public.
22. a beer dosen't care when you come
23. a frigid beer is a good beer.
24. you don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. if you change beers you don't have to pay alimony

Subject: Some thoughts to think about!

Hello again,
It has been awhile, and the move into the new house is almost
complete! My computer is up and running and all is well with the
world. This funnie is from Shirley down in California....Enjoy, Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I think I understand everything...Then I regain
conciousness.

Dont forget.....life is 10% how you make it......and 90% how you take
it.

Motherhood is full of frustrations and challenges...but eventually
they move out.

If it was going to be easy to raise kids...it never would have started
with something called LABOR!!!

A rose can say I Love You...orchids can enthrall.....but a weed
bouquet in a chubby fist............OH MY that says it all!

Experience is what you get when you didnt get what you wanted.

Life is easier than you think.........all you have to do is: Accept
the impossible, Do without the indispensible, bear the intolerable,
and be able to smile at anything.

WHAT LIGHT?? I'M STILL LOOKING FOR THE TUNNEL!!!!!

Relax---If we werent meant to keep starting over.....would GOD have
granted us Monday??

If only I could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.

TODAY is the TOMORROW you worried about YESTERDAY...and all is well.

I love you more today than yesterday: Yesterday you really got on my
nerves.

Eat Right, Stay Fit.....Die anyway!

Everytime I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes
away.

Eat dessert first!! ..........after all, life is uncertain!!

Subject: Prairie Wisdom?

Hello all, sorry for the joke tree interuption. Just returned from a
busy, humid week in Buffalo..Am glad to be back to the island. This
little funnie I just couldn't resist....Enjoy,,,,Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON:
A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE
by Texas Bix Bender

~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
~ There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
~ Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
~ If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try
ordering somebody else's dog around.
~ Never ask a man the size of his spread.
~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop
digging.
~ Never smack a man who is chewing tobacco.
~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
~ If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.
~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't
be surprised if they learn their lesson.
~ When you're throwing your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
around by somebody else.
~ Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it
back.
~ Always take a good look at what you are about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
back in your pocket.
~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Subject: Bill of "No" rights, Pass it on!

Hello again,
Thanks to Shirley down in California...with apologies to all of
you who are not US Citizens. Here is a Common Sensible re-education
note for your Congressmen/person! How's that for P.C.? Please Pass
This Along. Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
PREAMBLE

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to
help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any
more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure
the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-grandchildren,
hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common-sense
guidelines for the terminally whiney, guilt-ridden, delusional, and
other liberal bed wetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident:
That a whole lot of folks were confused by the Bill of Rights, and are
so dim
that they now require a Bill of No Rights.
 

ARTICLE I. You do not have the right to a new car, Big-screen TV or
any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally
acquire
them, but no one is guaranteeing you anything.

ARTICLE II You do not have the right to never be offended. This
country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - NOT
JUST YOU. You may leave the room, change the channel, express a
different opinion, but the world is full of idiots, and always will
be.
Get over it.

ARTICLE III You do not have the right to be free from harm. Should
you stick a screwdriver in your eye, you have no right to expect the
tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently
wealthy. Learn to be more careful.

ARTICLE IV You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly
help people in need, but we are growing very weary of subsidizing
generation after generation of couch potatoes who achieve nothing more
worthy of note in their lives than the procreation of yet another
generation.

ARTICLE V You do not have the right to free health care. That
would be awfully nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're
just not
interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI You do not have the right physically harm other people;
if you kidnap, rape, maim, or kill, don't be surprised if the rest of
us
want to watch you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII You do not have the right to the possessions of others.
If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other
citizens, please don't be shocked if the rest of us get together and
lock you away in a big place where you still don't have the right to a

big-screen TV or life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII You don't have the right to demand that our children
risk their lives in foreign wars in order to soothe your aching
conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to
stop YOU from going to fight if you'd like. However, we're weary of
parenting the entire world and don't want to spend so much of our time
battling each
and every two-bit tyrant with a medal-covered shirt and funny hat.

ARTICLE IX You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want
all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times,
but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of free
education and vocational training laid before you, in order to make
yourself useful.

ARTICLE X You do not have the RIGHT to happiness. Being an
American means you have the right to PURSUE happiness--which, by the
way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of
idiotic laws
created by those of you who were, and still are, confused by the
original Bill of Rights.

Subject: Different Focus???

I'm beginning to catch up on things.. This funnie is from Don here on
the island.. Maybe there is something to the genetic arhitecture
concept? Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Writing Competition ...

A TRUE STORY RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's
a
prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two
of my English students: Lisa (last name deleted) and Dave (last name
deleted)

First, the Assignment:

English 44A
California State University, Hayward
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting
to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will
then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to
re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story
coherent.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

And now, the Assignment as submitted by Lisa & Dave:

-----------------------------------------------------------
Lisa starts:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that
he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was
out of the question.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Dave:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his Transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he
could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

----------------------------------------------------------
Lisa:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

----------------------------------------------------------
Dave:
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within
two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on
course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's
blow'em out of the sky!"

----------------------------------------------------------
Lisa:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

----------------------------------------------------------
Dave:
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Lisa:
Asshole.

----------------------------------------------------------
Dave:
Bitch.