jtree103

Subject: Lets keep Christmas "Correct"

Season's greetings to you all,
Was looking for something to send that really expressed the "real" season. Then what should arrive but the perfect prose from Marlene down in San Diego. She said "put it on the tree", so here it is. And each and everyone of you, HAVE A HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND A MERRY NEW
YEAR!!!! Enjoy....Dave
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A Politically Correct Santa

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His
fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows: Rudolf was
suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Best Wishes For The Holidays..

===========================
It really is "that time of the year" and in keeping with that spirit, have started archiving the fruit of the Joke Tree so that those of you that might have missed them can catch up, or you can
review them whenever the need might arise. To find the collection, go to the www.otcc.com website, CLICK on the "joketree" link, and enjoy!
If you know of someone that is in need of random occasions of funnies, they can become a branch of the Joke Tree by sending an email to joketree@otcc.com with the Subject: Subscribe Joke Tree. Now there's a gift that will keep on giving.

Subject: Childrens Conversations with God

Seasons Greetings to you all,
For the adults among us, the concept of God is daunting. But not so for children! Here is a delightful collection of childrens commentary with God, thanks to Patrick my friend in St.
Louis........Enjoy.....Dave
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* CHILDREN SPEAK TO GOD *

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
* Jane

Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
* Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
* Anita

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
* Norma

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
* Jane

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
* Nan

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
* Neil

Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
* Jane

Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
* Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
* Joyce

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our
day of rest.
* Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
* Bruce

Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.
* Raphael

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
* Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
* Larry

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
* Sam

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
* Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
* Nan

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
* Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Subject: Be prepared for the New Year

Hi Out There,
It would be a shame to not have a storehouse of cliche's to enter 1998 with. Thanks to Don Yankovic, you will be prepared...Put them on a shelf and administer as needed....Enjoy.....Dave
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"WISE" Words

1) "A closed mouth gathers no foot"
2) "Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines"
3) "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried"
4) "A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking"
5) "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it"
6) "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism"
7) "He who hesitates is probably right"
8) "Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with"
9) "No one is listening until you make a mistake"
10) "Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view"
11) "The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it"
12) "The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread"
13) "The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach"
14) "To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research"
15) "To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles"
16) "Two wrongs are only the beginning"
17) "You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive"
18) "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard"
19) "Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life"
20) "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up"
21) "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory"
22) "If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before"
23) "Change is inevitable....except from vending machines"
24) "Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things"
25) "A fool and his money are soon partying"
26) "Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation"
27) "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow"
28) "Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!"
29) "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments"
30) "How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...."
31) "Attempt to get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!"
32) "Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route"
33) "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize"
34) "Everybody repeat after me...'We are all individuals.'"
35) "Death to all fanatics!"
36) "Guests who kill talk show hosts -- On the last Geraldo"
37) "Chastity is curable, if detected early"
38) "Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener"
39) "Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks"
40) "Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now"
41) "Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back"
42) "Beware of geeks bearing gifs"
43) "Half the people you know are below average"
44) "99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name"
45) "42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot"
46) "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good"
47) "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you"

Subject: Just in case you think you are "unlovable"

Hello to all of you!
This was forwarded to me by Jim Knych here on the island.
Dangerfield gives most of us an improved perspective, doesn't he?? Enjoy.....Dave -----------------------------------------------------
Rodney Dangerfield Specials
-----------------------------------------------------

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's
nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... what are you doing that
for? He said .....Because you came home early.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could.....but he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find
them? He said... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look
in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...
I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't
mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

Subject: Thoughts to Play With

Happy Old Year to You All,

Perhaps our search for the meaning of life is too limited. I am indebted to Cynthia up in Canada for the following bits of brilliance from the Swami Beyondananda.

Whatever your direction, may the worst part of the New Year be better than the best part of the past year!.....Enjoy....Dave
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Swami Beyondananda's Guidelines for Enlightenment

1. Be a Fundamentalist - make sure the Fun always comes before the
mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be
canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are
put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good
laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure regularhilarity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift - just for
entering. So you are already a winner!

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That
is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That
way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the
channel.

4. Life is like photography, you use the negative to develop. And, no
matter what adversity you face, be reassured; of course God loves you,
he's just not ready to make a commitment.

5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought
particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition
called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And
when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach
in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: "don't get even, get odd".

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly
live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me.
That way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace
begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there,
pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace
everywhere.

7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so
if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you
find a fault, just don't dwell on it.

8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet
train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad
news and some good news. The bad news is - there is no key to the
Universe. The good news is - it has been left unlocked

10. Finally, everything I have told you is chanelled. That way, if
you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is
not bureaucracy. So you don't have to go through channels.

Subject: Details! Details!

Hello out there, and welcome to 1998!

Here's another one from Don Yankovic here on the island...Moral:
Read the fine print!!! Enjoy......Dave
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The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to Heaven. He's met by the
reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour of the establishment,
he's told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient, original texts of
the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the
languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library
and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from
the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

For ages, his scholarly studies keep him quietly absorbed, until
one day, all of a sudden there comes a almighty scream from the
library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope
huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering despairingly, "An
'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offers him comfort and enquires what has
distressed him so.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter
'R'...the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

Subject: What's wrong with this picture???

Happy 1998!

This is a provocative litlle funny? sent to me by Barbara down in Oregone. It might cause you to rethink your thinking....Enjoy....Dave
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* In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
* At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

* In prison you get 3 meals a day.
* At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

* In prison you get time off for good behavior.
* At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

* In prison you can watch TV and play games.
* At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

* In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens & closes all the doors for you.

* At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.

* In prison you get your own toilet.

* At work you have to share.

* In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends.

* At work you can't even speak to family and friends.

* In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

* At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

* In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

* At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

* In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

* At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

* In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.

* At work we call them managers.

Subject: Southern Computer Literacy?

Hello All,
I am taking some time off starting tomorrow, to visit lady luck in Las Vegas. So, to keep you chuckling while I'm off, am sending you a funnie from Don Yankovic that would indicate that just about everyone is coming into the computer age. Enjoy.....Dave
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REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

Subject: God and College

Happy January to you all!

This is a contribution from Marlene in San Diego...She is a professor, so she ought to know....
Let's hear it for academicism!......Enjoy......Dave
-----------------------------------------------------------

Why God Will Never Get Tenure At Any University

1. Only published one book.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. He did not publish it in referenced journals.

5 Some doubt He even wrote it Himself.

6. He is not known for His cooperative work

7. Sure, He created the world, but what has He done lately?

8. He did not get permission from any review board to work with human subjects.

9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning all the subjects.

10. When sample subjects do not behave as predicted, He deletes the whole sample.

11. He rarely comes to class-just tells His students to read the Book.

12. It is rumored that He sometimes lets His Son teach the class.

13. Although He only has 10 requirements, His students often fail His tests.

14. He expelled His first two students for learning.

15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

Subject: Competition?

Hello All,
Here's a delightful funnie from Jim Spivey over on the edge of the world in Virginia...
Thanks Jim......Enjoy Dave....
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Three engineers and three mathematicians are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three mathematicians each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket..

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a mathematician..

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer..

They all board the train. The mathematicians take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on....

The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the mathematicians decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all....

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed mathematician..

"Watch and you'll see," answers a engineer....

When they board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the mathematicians are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Subject: Merrie Olde England!

Hello out there!

These are some funnies imported from England by my friend Steve up in Ottawa. Enjoy....Dave
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ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND

This is from an actual trial in the UK.

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus... Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling".

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick".

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

The case was dismissed.

And from a law firm...

This is hilarious .... It comes from an E-mail sent by one of our secretaries.

PLEASE PLEASE please please please -- I am begging here -- keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really
really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.

Thanks for your help. JB

Subject: Notable Quotables

Hello,

Here's some fodder for your conversations...Enjoy...Dave
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A short saying contains much wisdom......Sophocles.

Amid a multitude of projects, no plan is devised.....Syrus.

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.....Marcel Archard.

There is no time like the pleasant.....George Bergman.

Examine what is said, not who speaks.....Arabian Proverb.

Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit.....Henry B. Adams.

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured. .....Konrad Adenauer.

If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard, let him worry about cutting it. .....Fred Allen.

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there are no rivers. .....Nikita Khruschev.

Wealth buys leisure, but not wisdom......Author Unknown.

In America it is sport that is the opiate of the masses.....Russell Baker.

The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of each citizen to defend it. Only if every single citizen feels duty bound to do his share in this defense are the constitutional rights
secure.....Albert Einstein.

Subject: Political Observations

Hello out there,

Here are some funnies from my friends, the Bauns, in California. This is our effort to be politically up to date, if not "correct".. Enjoy......Dave.
-------------------------------------------------------

Did you know that Hillary Clinton just wrote a new book?
It's titled, "It Takes a Village to Satisfy My Husband"
- Michelle Tinder

---------------------------------------------

Did you hear? Gore is only one orgasm away from the presidency.
- Chris Webb

---------------------------------------------

Q: What were Clinton's fist words to Paula Jones at the deposition?
A: "So now you open your mouth!"
- Bobby Terrell

---------------------------------------------

I'm only as old as the woman I feel.
- Douw Venter"

---------------------------------------------

The reason First Lady wears the pants in the house is because the
President can't ever keep his on !
- Noy Lounnarath

---------------------------------------------

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their
home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a
service station to fill up their car with gas. It seemed that the
owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.

They exchanged hellos and then the White House couple went on their way.
As they were driving on to their final destination, Bill put his arm
around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you
would now be the wife of a service station owner."

She smirked and replied, "No! If I had stayed with him,
HE would be the President of the United States TODAY!"

Subject: Late Super Bowl Funnie

Hello again,

This is another funnie sent me by the Baun's in California.. So, it's too late for this year!
Save it for next year!...Enjoy....Dave
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.......he is closer to
the Goodyear Blimp than the field! About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man replies "No".

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible!" "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not
use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

Subject: Might as well laugh!

Hello out there,

Even though the subject matter is distasteful to me, thought I'd pass this on. Enjoy....Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LAST LAUGH

STARR I ARE from Dr. Noose

I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see-
Did you grope Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there-
I did not do that Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far-
I did not do that Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-You-Are-
I think that you Have gone too far.
I will not answer
Any more-
Perhaps I will go Start a war!
The public's easy
To distract-
When bombs are Falling on Iraq!

Subject: "Small World"

Hello Again,

At the risk of being politically incorrect, am passing on some "Clinton Funnies" that I picked up from Australia! It is a small world, isn't it? Enjoy......Dave
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

These, "CLINTON TALES" were submitted by Noel
FALCONIO of Sydney.

Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
> > > >>>He just bends over the pages!

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
> > > >>> I'll be home in twenty minutes

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
> > > >To keep his ankles warm.

Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper
> > > >>>"Honk, if you haven't had sex with Bill Clinton"

What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
> > > >>>A small weenie in hot water.

What did Ms. Lewinsky was allegedly say when offered a
position at the U.N?
> > > >>>Would that, then, be a "missionary position?"

How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked
if they would have sex with Bill Clinton?
> > > >>>86% responded "Not again!"

During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving
"Tricky Dicky"
> > > >>>Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky"

Why did Bill get into this problem?
> > > >>>He didn't know that harass was one word.

President Clinton, what do you want to do about this
abortion bill?
> > > >>He replies, "I guess...pay it!"

Clinton Presidential Anthem -- Kneel to the Chief Who's handling the case?
> > > >>>"Intern"al Affairs

What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate
> > > >>>At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "DeepThroat."

How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
> > > >>>"It wasn't words that I put in her mouth."

Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate?
> > > >>>Her dad is getting more dates than she is.

Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House staff?
> > > >>>She didn't understand know what STAFF he really meant.

What is Revlon calling it's new Presidential winter line for 1998?
> > > >>>Shades of the truth

Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story?
> > > >>>He's waiting for Marv Albert to do the interview.

What is Clinton's new F.B.I. Code Name?
> > > >>>Unibanger

How does Hillary feel?
> > > >>She may be the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST

What advice did Yasar Arafat give President Clinton in their meeting on January 22, 1998?
> > > >>>"Bill....Goats don't talk!!"

President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in the deposition. . .
> > > >>>I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"

How did Clinton exercise his position as Commander-in-Chief?
> > > >>>By barking out orders . . . like "Get Under the Desk!"

Don't feel sorry for Monica......
> > > >>>She'll be back "on her knees" in no time!

Why does Clinton think he's innocent,
> > > >>> Because he didn't inhale the intern!

Bill wasted all that energy running for President.
> > > >>He thought they said the "Oral" Office

Subject: Apt comparisons?

Hello,

When I received this one from Anne in St. Louis, didn't think I would send it around. Then another friend of mine described some of the frustration she was having with Windows/95...So I changed my mind, and here it is...Enjoy Dave..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MICROSOFT VS GENERAL MOTORS

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. So, decided to measure Microsoft's accomplishments agains General Motors.

His comparison went like this: "If automotive technology had kept pace with the computer technology of the past few decades, you would now either be driving a V32 and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles an hour, or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and
gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.00 and could be delivered tomorrow!"

In response to all of this goading, GM responded: "Yes, but would you want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day?"

GM also stated that if Microsoft built cars:

* Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

* Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd accept this and drive on.

* Occasionally your car would stop and fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strante reason, you'd just accept this too.

* You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

* Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the Sun, was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on %5 of the roads.

* The Macintosh car owners could get expensive Micorsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

* The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights and gauges would be replaced by a single "General Car Default" warning lamp.

* New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

* The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

* If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

All this really does sound familiar. I think it is all true, but we are locked in!!

Subject: Sex vs Chocolate!

Hello out there,

Just couldn't resist this one! Enjoy...Dave
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Subject: Dogs are smarter than we may think!

Hello again,

Saw this bit of prose on a mailer from our local Animal Shelter. Just couldn't pass it up..
Allright, so it isn't a joke but it is humorous to think that we insist on labelling them "dumb" animals!
I am heading for Louisiana to do some talking and won't be back till the middle of March.
Will catch up on my mail and make up for the missing jokes then. Enjoy....Dave
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG...

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they are invading your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp and play daily.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout....run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Subject: More "Bumper Snickers"

Hello,

I really am leaving for a few weeks, but this just came in from Dr. Patrick in St. Louis...
Hope they brighten your day too! Enjoy....Dave
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bumper Snickers

* I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
* Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it
* Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students
* Forget About World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekasion
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie'...till you can find a big enough rock.
* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
* Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put It In Reverse?
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
* Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
* He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
* She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.
* Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
* Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
* A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* I brake for green lights.

Subject: "Three little words"

Hello again,

Well I'm back from the interesting southland. Really enjoyed the experience of Baton Rouge, the Spanish Town Mardi Gras and the friendly people in Louisiana. Thanks for the experience....
In the meantime here is a goodie from the Baun's down in Californiay...Enjoy....Dave.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'

Subject: "Moronic Oxen"?

Hello out there,

Just in case the three little words didn't get you, here are fifty, count them, fifty, genuine oxymorons......Enjoy Dave.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The Top 50 Oxymorons

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the #1 Oxymoron......

1. Microsoft Works

Subject: "Current Affairs"?

Hi again,

Just couldn't pass up this opportunity to be current with the affairs of our President....Enjoy...Dave.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A CALL FROM HILLARY

Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant!

She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the white house.

When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk. You got me pregnant!!!

The President remained silent. Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU #$@&# GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERK? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"

Finally Bill answered "Who is this???"........................

Subject: New! Abridged Dictionary for the 90's!

Hello Again,

And thanks to Mark Schwinge helping us keep up with the modern slang. Enjoy, Dave....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alpha Geek:

The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Beepilepsy:

The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

Blamestorming:

Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis:

Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chips and Salsa:

Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

Cube Farm:

An office filled with cubicles.

Dancing Baloney:
Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Depotphobia:

Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

Ego Surfing:

Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.

Flight Risk:

Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica:

Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

Going Postal:

Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

GOOD Job:

A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Idea Hamsters:

People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Irritainment:

Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Keyboard Plaque:

The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Midair Passenger Exchange:

Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."

Mouse Potato:

The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond:

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.

PEBCAK:

Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.

Percussive Maintenance:

The fine art of whacking the daylights out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot:

To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."

Prairie Dogging:

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Seagull Manager:

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, messes over everything, and then leaves.

SITCOMs:

What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, oppressive Mortgage. Natural progression from DINKs (Dual Income, No Kids).

Square-headed Girlfriend:

Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

Squirt the Bird:

To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage:

A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids and no property.

Stress Puppy:

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out:

An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Telephone Number Salary:

A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

Tourists:

People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware:

Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend:

A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is uh,..Dale, my...um...friend..."

Uninstalled:

Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch:

The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Xerox Subsidy:

Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yuppie Food Stamps:

The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

Subject: Inland Waterways & Dam Permits!

Hello again,

Here is a real funnie forwarded to me from Don Yankovic...Enjoy...Dave
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
STATE OF MICHIGAN
Reply to: GRAND RAPIDS DISTRICT OFFICE STATE OFFICE BUILDING 6TH FLOOR
350 OTTAWA NW GRAND RAPIDS MI 49503-2341
JOHN ENGLER, Governor
DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITY
HOLLISTER BUILDING, PO BOX 30473, LANSING MI 48909-7973
INTERNET: <<http://www.deq.state.mi http://www.deq.state.mi us RUSSELL
J. HARDING, Director

December 17, 1997
CERTIFIED
Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301,. Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially, failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams
of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division

----Reply Letter----

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation?

The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam
flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams
by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to
investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,

Stephen L.Tvedten
xc: PETA

Subject: ":grown up talk"

Hello out there,

Here's a real funnie from my friend Marlene down in San Diego...Do you remember the joys of childhood! The rites of passage! and how we all have somehow survived them!!! Enjoy.....Dave
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The kindergartners were now in the first grade, and their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.

She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother." Use the grown up word.

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train." That's the grown up word.

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit".

Subject: More Car Decorations!

Hello again,

Yet another page of "Bumper Stickers" from one of our newer "branches". Thanks Mark... Enjoy...Dave
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. THIS WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY IF IT WEREN'T HAPPENING TO ME

2. LAST TIME WE MIXED POLITICS AND RELIGION PEOPLE GOT BURNED AT
THE STAKE

3. HONK IF YOU LOVE CHEESES

4. IF WE REALLY wanted TO FIND JESUS HIS FACE WOULD BE ON MILK
CARTONS

5. MY OTHER CAR HAS BUMPERSTICKERS, TOO

6. WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN LACK AMBITION

7. IF PROGRESS MEANS TO MOVE FORWARD WHAT DOES CONGRESS MEAN?

8. IT WILL BE A GREAT DAY WHEN OUR SCHOOLS GET ALL THE MONEY THEY
NEED AND THE AIR FORCE HAS TO HOLD A BAKE SALE TO BUY A BOMBER

9. I WASN'T CREATED IN YOUR IMAGE OF GOD

10. HOW DO I SET A LASER PRINTER TO STUN?

11. IF WE QUIT VOTING WILL THEY ALL GO AWAY?

12. YOU CAN HAVE MY GUN WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY PARANOID,
MENTALLY DISTURBED, PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE, COLD, DEAD HAND

13. POLITICS - FROM THE WORDS "POLY," MEANING "MANY,"
AND "TICKS," AS IN "SMALL, BLOOD-SUCKING PARASITES"

14. I'D RATHER BE ONLINE

15. THE FACE IS FAMILIAR
BUT I CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER MY NAME

16. I'M PRO-LIFEJACKET AND I BOAT

17. HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS...STILL DIES

18. EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE, DIE ANYWAY

19. LEGALIZE PRAYER IN SCHOOL AND ALGEBRA IN CHURCH

20. ESCHEW OBFUSCATION

21. THE MASS OF MEN LEAD LIVES OF QUIET DESPERATION
YOU'RE JUST A MORON

22. ILLITERATE? WRITE FOR HELP

23. WHO ARE THE GRATEFUL DEAD
AND WHY DO THEY KEEP FOLLOWING ME?

24. I'M TOO POOR TO VOTE REPUBLICAN

25. HONK IF ANYTHING FALLS OFF

26. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE
EXCEPT FROM A VENDING MACHINE

27. COVER ME - I'M CHANGING LANES

28. YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT

29. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST

Subject: I'm not laughing!

Hello again,

This is a funnie that my friend Don Yankovic just sent me. This does NOT reflect the views of management, but there are a few chuckles anyway. Enjoy, Dave.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************* AGE HAPPENS *****************

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Burl)

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Burl)

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

"The first law of politics: Never say anything in a national campaign that anyone might remember." Eugene McCarthy

Subject: Too late for St. Pat's day! Sorry.

Hello again,

This was forwarded to me from Shirley down in the San Fernando Valley. Didn't receive it in time for St. Patrick's day.....Enjoy.....Dave
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope & the Queen

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

Subject: "Planning"

Hello again,

Here's another one from Mark S. A lesson in "planning", and things are not always as they seem.... Enjoy, Dave
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck. The Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian Wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."