Hi out there,

Here are some suggestions forwarded to me from Jim out on the wet
east coast. These will get your friends attention.....Enjoy...Dave.
------------------------------------------------

Hi. This is John:If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant
effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

(From a Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think
about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability
to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
 

Subject: Things are looking up!

Hi there!
Here's another one from Don Yankovic....Enjoy...Dave
---------------------------------------------

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see
her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd
hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can
see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."
 

Subject: Now thats a switch!

Hello again,

Here's one from Marlene in California....Now I understand?..Enjoy Dave.
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was walking along the beach and found a bottle. She looked
around and didn't see anyone so she opened it. A genie appeared and
thanked her for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to
get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But, I can only
grant one."

The woman thought for a while and finally said, "I have always
wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot
fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all
that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to
be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I
can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the
piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go
to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No,
that is just too much to ask."

The woman thought for a few minutes and then told the genie,
"There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be
able to understand men. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they
temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically,
what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want
two lanes or four?"
 

Subject: More Bumper Stickers!

Hello All,

Here's another funny from Shirley in Los Angeles....Enjoy..Dave
-----------------------------------------------------
BUMPER STICKERS...........

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Mental backup in progress - DO NOT DISTURB
* Mind like a steel trap - rusty, and illegal in 37 states.
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
* One-word sentences? Eliminate!
* Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
* The passive voice is to be eliminated.
* Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
* Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
* Who needs rhetorical questions?
 

Subject: Newspaper HEADlines!!!

Hi Out There,

This was sent to me by a friend in Little Rock....Enjoy...Dave
-----------------------------------------------------
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times

GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News

STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle

LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
Newsday

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat

WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle

Subject: Problem Solving?

Hello again,

Lets brighten up Monday morning! Here's a funny from Pauls Humor.... Enjoy...Dave ----------------------
From Adriana G.:

The American Way

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive
boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a
mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be found so a consulting firm was hired to
investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The
consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and
one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight
people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not
enough were rowing on the American team. So, as race day neared again
the following year, the American team's management structure was
completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers,
three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for
the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year the Japanese won by TWO miles!!! Humiliated, the
American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave
the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
 

Subject: How to understand what a male means..

Hi out there!

Just couldn't resist this one!  It's hell to not be understood!..Enjoy..Dave
---------------------------------------------------------------
THE WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN REALLY MEANS WHEN HE SAYS...

"I'm hungry." = "I'm hungry."

"I'm sleepy." = "I'm sleepy."

"I'm tired." = "I'm tired."

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."

"Can I call you sometime?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."

"May I have this dance?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."

"Nice dress!" = "Nice cleavage!"

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = "I want to fondle you."

"What's wrong?" = "What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?"

"What's wrong?" = "I guess sex tonight is out of the question."

"I'm bored." = "Do you want to have sex?"

"I love you." = "Let's have sex now."

"I love you, too." = "Okay, I said it ... we'd better have sex now!"

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "I liked it better before."

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "$50 and it doesn't look that much different!"

"Let's talk." = "I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me."

"Will you marry me?" = "I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys."

"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = "I am gay."
 

Subject: Texas metaphor speak

Hello all,

Here's another funny from my friend Don in Friday Harbor. Learn how to add color to your communications with these beauts from Texas...Enjoy...Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
Texas Speak:

Handy as a pocket on a shirt.

Broke as the Ten Commandments.

If his brains were gunpowder he couldn't blow his nose.

She could talk the legs off a chair.

She said that he's all cattle and no prod.

He's all hat and no cattle.

If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.

So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.

He's so busy, you'd think he was twins.

He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo craps.

It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

Cold as a cast iron commode.

She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.

She's so ugly she has to sneek up on a glass of water to take a drink.

Confused as a goat on astro-turf.

Handy as hip pockets on a hog.

So ugly that his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.

Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living.

So buck-toothed that he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence.

If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a fly.
 
 

Subject: 'Understanding" male communications

Hello all,

It seems only fair to present the other half of the communication conundrum with regards to the sexes. So thanks to Jim Smith, here it is...Enjoy...Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
TO BETTER UNDERSTAND WHAT THE MALE MEANS!!

A frank discussion with answers to commonly asked questions about men...

* Why are men such jerks?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men
suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life
span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from
all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies
behavior. We're not jerks, just misunderstood.
 

* Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added
bonus.
 

* Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
 

* Why are men so uncommunicative?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it
you get into trouble with your partner.
 

* Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's
the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much
of the world nowadays.
 

* Why can't men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men
and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel
when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some
extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot,
we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I
try to figure out how I feel.
 

* Why can't men cuddle more?

Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige
you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can endure
lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go
roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on
our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
 

* How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution
that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting
tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot
for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more
successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended
periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The
figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers, lions,
etc.. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this
innate ability.
 

* Why can't men just say "I love you?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men
consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own
character faults.
 

* Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure
fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works
quite well.
 

* What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"

1 Please sleep with me.
2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
 

* Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of
your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you
will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy
for other things.
 

* Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we
know darn well you'll pick it up.
 

* What's with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let
you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods
of time gives us stomach cramps.
 

* Why do men hate shopping?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours
to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?
 

* Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?

Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet
seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet
seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent
sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the
proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat.
 

Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that
have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually
lift the darn thing. We aim to please.
 

* Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are
generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun
and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of
the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for
being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the
ones they don't get). What more could any male ask for?
 

* Why do men act like they own the remote control?

What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just
anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote
control is to arm wrestle for it.
 

* Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel?
 

We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also:
Why do men fear commitment?)
 

* Why do men fear commitment?

Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment'
means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter
how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out
with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply
cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse
around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon?
At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually
becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and
upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of
years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.
 

* What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a
relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"

It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so
that we want to see you repeatedly.
 

* What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"

Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically
repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide
adequate protection.
 

* Do all men really masturbate?

Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from
our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.
 

* Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?

Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition,
and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
 

* Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate
motor coordination?

It is like with all things. Practice... Practice...Practice... (See
also: Do all men really masturbate?)
 

* Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed
with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men
are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some
people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming
about equal treatment for the stupid people either.
 

* Why do men like younger women?

Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're
easily impressed, they're also perky, energetic, and come with very
little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.
 

* Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We
may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of
lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get
hungry quite often.
 

* How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e.
whatever do you see in that fat pig)?

Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that
you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you
lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one
myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent
bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us
despite our inherent weakness.
 

* Why are men such dogs?

How can you say such a horrible thing? Dogs are faithful... loyal...
affectionate... and obedient... You owe dogs an apology!
 

Subject: Another sexist, blonde joke....

Hi out there,

In all fairness, it should be noted that this little pearl was sent to me by a "blonde" in Texas...Thanks Sherry!........Enjoy, Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde lady was sitting in the first class section of a plane. One of the attendants walked up to her and said, "Miss, your scheduled seating is in coach, so we would like for you to return to your seat."

The blonde replied, "I am blonde, I am beautiful, I am going to the Bahamas and I am going first class!"

With this, the attendant went to another attendant for help. The second attendant spoke to the blonde, "Miss, we need for you to return to your original seat before the plane can take off."

The blonde replied, "I am blonde, I am beautiful, I am going to the Bahamas and I am going first class!"

At this point, both of the attendants went to the pilot and explained the situation. The pilot said, "I'll take care of this."

The pilot walked up to the lady in first class, leaned down and whispered something in her ear. As soon as he did, the blonde lady bolted out of her seat amd immediately returned to her original seat.

With both attendants in amazement, one of them asked the pilot what he had said.

The pilot said he just told her that the part of the plane she was sitting in was not going to the Bahamas.
 

Subject: Words to Live By...

Hello again,

This memorable collection of clever thoughts were sent to me by Jim Smith in good ole, Friday Harbor......Enjoy, Dave.....
----------------------------------------------------------------
Some of Life's Rules:

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

- Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

- One good turn gets most of the blankets.

- There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

- Life is sexually transmitted.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the
fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

- Jury --Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

- Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

- Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

- Black holes are where God divided by zero.

- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

- Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once.

- Dyslexics of the world, untie!

- Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

- On the other hand, you have different fingers.

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

- A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

- There's no future in time travel.

- Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

- Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

- Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.

- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- How does Teflon stick to the pan?

- There's an exception to every rule, except this one.

- I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.
 

Subject: "Clinton, observations"?

Hi there,

Remember, it's only politics.....Enjoy...Dave
--------------------------------------

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see
one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" exclaims the President.
"It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about
it?"
"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

***************

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The
umpire walks up before the VIP section and says something. Suddenly
Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto
the playfield.
The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the
first PITCH!'"

***************
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them
tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter
nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish,"
Hillary replies.

***************
Q: Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? A. The
nation.

***************
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

***************
Clinton is looking out an Oval Office window and notices what he
knows from his own prankster past to be a now unstoppable growing
urine discoloration burn in the White House Lawn. It's written out
to form "BILL SUCKS!" Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and
handwriting samples from everyone who had access to the area including
White House staff, a few Congress men, visiting foreign dignataries
and some Boy Scouts, and to then identify the culprit or conspirators.
A week later, the FBI director calls.
"Mr. President, I have some good news and some bad news. The good
news is that the urine came from Vice President Gore."
"And the bad news?" Clinton demands.
"Well, sir, the handwriting is Hillary's."

***************

Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the
steps of Air Force One with two pigs, one under each arm. At the
bottom of the steps, he says to an honor guardsman, "These are
genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and
this one for Hillary."
The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."
 

Subject: This is NO JOKE!

Hello out there,

This was forwarded to me by my economist friend Don. Unfortunately, for us in the US, this is not a joke. In fact, it isn't funny in any country. Decide for yourself..........Dave...

===============================================
NEWS FROM THE LIBERTARIAN PARTY
2600 Virginia Avenue, NW, Suite 100
Washington DC 20037
===============================================
For release: October 31, 1997
===============================================
For additional information:
George Getz, Deputy Director of Communications
Phone: (202) 333-0008 Ext. 222
E-Mail: 76214.3676@CompuServe.com
===============================================
 

How the government is worse than a stock market crash

WASHINGTON, DC -- Don't worry about the stock market
plummeting 554 points -- it's nothing compared to the damage that the
government inflicts on your money on a regular basis, the Libertarian
Party said today.

"A 7% drop in the Dow Jones industrial average is chump change
compared to the destructive power of inflation and the capital gains
tax," charged Steve Dasbach, the party's national chairman.

"Why? Because inflation -- even at today's low levels -- costs
you the equivalent of a major stock market crash every few years, and
capital gains taxes are like three stock market crashes when you make
a profit or finally cash in your portfolio," he said.

Dasbach's comments came 48 hours after this year's "Black
Monday" -- when the stock market plunged a heart-stopping 554 points.
The massive sell-off received front-page newspaper coverage and
dominated all the network news broadcasts.

However, the devastation government wreaks on the value of
your money through inflation and taxes is much worse, said Dasbach --
but doesn't generate the same coverage.

"According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the cumulative
inflation rate from 1995 to the present day has been 7.6%," he said.
"That means that over the past several years, your money lost more in
value from inflation than it lost from the stock market's 7.2% drop
this week. In other words, inflation is a slow, silent, relentless
financial crash that nobody seems to notice."

Even worse, inflation has eroded 29.7% of the value of your
money since 1989, he noted -- which is the destructive power of four
major stock market crashes.

"But politicians claim that the problem of government-caused
inflation has been solved -- while Americans continue to pay its
silent cost," he said.

Equally destructive, he said, are capital gains taxes, which
kick in when you sell your stocks or mutual funds.

"If you're in a higher tax bracket, 20% of the value of your
investment is wiped out immediately by the capital gains tax. That's a
financial loss equivalent to three stock market crashes -- except your
money disappears into the pockets of politicians.

"When it comes to costing you money, a bearish stock market is
just a cub compared to the federal government," he said.

Another point, said Dasbach: Within 24 hours of the stock
market's free-fall, the Dow Jones had regained 337 points, and within
two days had recovered almost two-thirds of its previous value.

"But the same isn't true of government: When the value of your
money declines because of inflation, it's gone forever," he said. "And
after you pay capital gains taxes, the IRS won't refund most of your
money two days later."

And despite the crash on Monday -- and the Dow Jones
fluctuations through the years -- the stock market has produced an
average annual return of about 10% over the past 70 years, he noted.

"Yes, the free market has its risks -- but in the long run, it
continues to generate gains, while the government continues to
generate losses," he said. "That's why, for investors, playing the
stock market can be like playing roulette -- but relying on the
government to protect your money is like playing Russian roulette."
 

Subject: The Definitive Cynic

Hello,

This was just forwarded to me by Don Yankovic from Deves List....Couldn't resist sending it to you all....Enjoy...Dave.
----------------------------------

DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.

BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling
trophies and Elvis collectibles.

BULIMIA: Retched excess.

CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.

CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.

CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.

DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.

ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.

FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.

FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.

GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.

HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.

JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.

LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

LECHER: A stud with liver spots.

LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.

LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.

MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.

MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.

NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.

NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.

OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbor's parakeet.

POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.

QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.

REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to become an oppressor.

SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.

STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also

SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.

STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.

UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.

URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.

VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.

WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.

X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.

deves list faq: http://www.mousetrap.net/~mouse/deviants/
 

  Subject: It's only a rumor!!?

Hello all,

This little ditty was sent to me by Don Yankovic,,,,Relax,,, it's only a rumor!! Enjoy,,,Dave ------------------

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations
made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today
that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States
of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension
of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really
is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of
the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be
managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government
is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to
Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly
and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with
Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government,
reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up
the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and
referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a
"proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their
"full support and confidence".
Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually
he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond
as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for
the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft
headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of
course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed,
"and look how well we're doing".

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking
place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating
that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes,
increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft
products.

About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The
company offers a wide range of products and services for public,
business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it
easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full
power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy
and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C.,
the United States will be a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft
Corporation.
 

Subject: It's only words....

Hello again,

First of all, there is now a link on the OTCC web page that has archives of the Joke Tree in case you joined us late. Just click on the "Daves Joke Tree" and enjoy... From time to time I will add to the pages so that you or your friends can peruse the collection.

Also, if someone you know would like to receive my random culling of humor, tell them to send me an email with the SUBJECT: SUBSCRIBE JOKE TREE. Will be pleased to add another branch..
Now here's a joke where words are important!!....Enjoy Dave.....
-------------------------------------------------------

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is
unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor
tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind.", and
refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the
shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch
doctor says, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and
there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ........

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only
use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?
 

Subject: This hurts, just to think about it...

Hello all,

This one's funny and tragic at the same time. Thanks to Marci down in California....Enjoy, Dave ---------------------
My Head Hurts!!

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal.  I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed!" she hearkened, "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" . . . .Pause. . . . . "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into ground round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck
without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.

She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet
bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.
 

Subject: Attention Sports Fans

Hello out there,

These quotes are just too good to pass up. Jim Baun sent them to me and what with all of the sports activities on TV, it does give pause..Enjoy...Dave
----------------------------------------------------------------

WHY SPORTS SCHOLARSHIP IS AN OXYMORON
 

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle" --
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes." -- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining
why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker.

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
-- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't
seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been
through in school." -- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was
ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements.

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to
get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from
class" -- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton." -- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson
hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." --Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see
the game anymore." -- Yogi Berra

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." --
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
 -- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
 

Subject: These are "Punny"

Hello again,

These are funny punny's from Marci in California...Thanks.. Enjoy Dave..
----------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it, too.

-=-

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known
as the lesser of two weevils.

-=-

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

-=-

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

-=-

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other,
"Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

-=-

Did you hear about the Buddist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

-=-

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

-=-

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon,
as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to
find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw
together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The
doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied
the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

-=-

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading
a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

-=-

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 

  Subject: Christmas tree angel

Hello again,

Well, we're coming up on Thanksgiving, so Christmas is just around the corner. Here is something from Don Yankovic that just might clear up an old Christmas Custom.....Enjoy....Dave
------------------------------

Long ago and far to the north Santa was getting ready for his
annual trip. But there were problems everywhere.

Four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that
her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where. More stress. And then, when he began to load the
sleigh, one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell
to the ground and scattered all the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and
a shot of whiskey. But he found that the elves had hit the liquor
cupboard and there was nothing there to drink. In his frustration he
dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all
over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice
had eaten the straw from which it was made.

Just then the doorbell rang. Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said: "Santa, where would you like to put
this Christmas tree?"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of
the Christmas tree.
 

Subject: a prayer.....

Hello everyone, and a wonderful thanksgiving to all....
Here is someone's interpretation of a physchiatrists expression of
the 23rd Psalm.....Thanks Don.......Enjoy....Dave
------------------------------
The Psychiatrists 23rd Psalm

The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism,
I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers
or my need-dispositions. He motivates me to orient myself toward a
non-social object with affective significance, He positions me in a
non-decisional situation, He maximizes my adjustment. Although I
entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will
maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant. His
analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me. He assists in the
resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and
psychopathic compulsions. He promotes my group identification. My
personality is totally integrated. Surely my prestige and status shall
be enhanced as a direct function of time And I shall remain
sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.
 

  Subject: Another Prayer

Hello again,

Here's another poignant one from Matt out there in Korea..."Faith without good works", you know......Enjoy...Dave
-------------------------------

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has
gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate
that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often
ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why
won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life
back in order???"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Joe is confronted by the voice of God himself:

"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE. BUY A TICKET!"
 

Subject: "Assault" vehicles to be banned!

Hi out there!

Guess you will have to read the whole thing to decide whether it is a joke or not..This funnie was passed on to me by Don Yankovic, and I think it applies only to us in the US. Enjoy.....Dave
------------------------------

With the tragic and senseless automoble-caused death of Princess Diana, ACI, the newly formed Automobile Control, Inc., herewith launches it's campaign to ban automobiles capable of exceeding 70 MPH.  These automobiles shall heretofore be referred to in the mass media as
"Assault Vehicles".

These assault vehicles are responsible for the needless deaths of thousands of innocent Americans each year -- far more in a single year than all the victims of gunshots in the past ten years! There
is no reason for anyone to own a vehicle that is capable of exceeding the legal speed limit in America, except for those elite and highly trained members of our Emergency Response Agencies and registered race car drivers while operating their vehicles exclusively on a registered
race track.

We are calling for an immediate ban on the sale of any vehicle in America that is not equipped with a speed governor. Further, we call on Congress to pass criminal penalties of not less than 10 years imprisonment and a $100,000.00 fine for anyone found in possession of a vehicle wherein the speed governor has been altered or disconnected.  In addition, we ask for emergency legislation requiring all automobiles currently on the road to be fitted with a federally approved speed governor at the owner's expense within a 120 day period. Any vehicle found operable after that grace period without the required speed governor shall be impounded and forfeited by the
owner. This legislation will save thousands of American lives.

It is the hope of ACI that Congress will also look into the benefits of limiting the fuel range of all vehicles to no more than 100 miles. By limiting the capacity of fuel tanks, drivers will be
forced to stop at increased intervals to refuel, allowing them to freshen themselves and reduce the fatigue from extended driving periods that can lead to inattention and drowsiness. Although not an
issue directly related to the assault vehicle menace, ACI will push for legislation banning the public consumption of any and all alcoholic beverages.

Alcohol, if consumed at all, must be limited to the personal residence of the consumer. No consumption of alcohol should ever occur in public places such as bars, nightclubs, football games, restaurants -- or any other place where the consumer will have to leave the place of consumption in order to return to his/her home.  Any driver found to have consumed any alcohol in any amount will be severely punished. This legislation will serve to dramatically reduce
the number of alcohol related automobile deaths and injuries each year.

ACI has secured the cooperation, participation and support of the American media, President Clinton, First Lady Hillary, Madonna, Elton John and the British Royal Family in this worthwhile cause. All supporters recognize the inability of the unwashed masses to act responsibly all of the time. We recognize there are those who take personal responsibility seriously, and we applaud you. Nevertheless, we expect and demand the cooperation of all citizens in this most
worthwhile cause, to bring safety to all in this new world order.

Peace and prosperity to all!
 

Subject: The 12 days of Christmas?
 

Hello again,

Well it's almost twelve days before Christmas and perhaps you will enjoy the email dialog between John and Agnes. Matt Laale forwarded this to me. I haven't asked him how he came into possession of private email, so read at your own risk......Enjoy....Dave
---------------------------------
 

~~~TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS~~~
 

December 14, 1997

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes
================================================
December 15, 1997

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 16, 1997

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 17, 1997

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes
================================================
December 18, 1997

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.  Frankly, all those birds squawking are beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes
=================================================
December 19, 1997

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?  These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes
================================================
December 20, 1997

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and
I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes
================================================
December 21, 1997

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes
================================================
December 22, 1997

Hey Shithead:

What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.

What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !
Agnes
================================================
December 23, 1997

You Rotten Prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a
river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes
================================================
December 24, 1997

Listen Fuckhead:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

You're sworn enemy,
Agnes
================================================
December 25, 1997

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes cHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
 

Subject: Kids keep it simple!

Happy Holidaze to you all!

It really is "that time of the year" and in keeping with that spirit, have started archiving the fruit of the Joke Tree so that those of you that might have missed them can catch up, or you can review them whenever the need might arise.

To find the collection, go to the www.otcc.com website, CLICK on the "tree" link, and enjoy!

If you know of someone that is in need of random occasions of funnies, they can become a branch of the Joke Tree by sending an email to JokeTree@otcc.com with the Subject: Subscribe Joke Tree.

Now there's a gift that will keep on giving.

Now for this installment...This was sent to me by Jim Knych here on the island. Don't know if it is real, but it is funny.......Enjoy.....Dave
----------------------------------------------

During the week before Christmas vacation, a child's second-grade school teacher related the story of the birth of Christ, telling part of the narrative each day. On the fourth day, she quizzed the
children, "What is baby Jesus's mother's name?"

"Mary! Mary! Mary!" they answered, waving their little hands in the air.

"Wonderful!" the teacher congratulated them. "Now what is baby Jesus's father's name?"

Silence filled the classroom. Finally, one small boy jumped up, pumping his hand wildly toward the ceiling. "I know, I know!" he shouted, "It's Virg!"

"Virg?" the confused teacher asked.

"Yeah," explained the child, "You know - everybody's heard of Virg and Mary."