=====Subject: Attorney's?
My belief is that humor not only sets apart from other specie, it is also an elegant way to teach, to learn and to heal.
Life is much too serious, to take seriously! Because my students, clients and friends know that I appreciate a good funny, they started forwarding them to me. Some were delightful, so I decided to start growing a "Joke Tree". Thanks to my email program MR2/Ice, it is extremely easy to maintain a email mailing list and so it was that I started sending the funnies to all of the branches on the tree.
Anyone can become a branch of the Joke Tree. Just click here: :joketree@otcc.com
with the SUBJECT: PLEASE GRAFT ME ON THE TREE, and you will start receiving
the funnies on an ad hoc basis. By the same token, should you ever decide
you have had enough of the funnies just send and email with the SUBJECT:
CUT ME OFF THE TREE. I will be happy to oblige.
=====Subject: Attorney's?
You may have seen these, but am testing my group mailer anyway so enjoy. Remember, a joke is only as old as the first time you heard it!......drd
Here are ACTUAL excerpts of court proceedings from around the US.
This article recently appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune
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1. Was that the SAME nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about
it until the next morning?
3. Q. What happened then?A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you
because you can identify me."Q. Did he kill you ?
4. Was it YOU or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone... or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have children, or anything of that kind?
9. Q. I show you exibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.A.
Yes, thats me.Q. Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q. Now, Mrs Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?A.
By death.Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are now?A. I'll be 3 months
on November 8.Q. Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?A.
Yes.Q. What were you doing at that time?
13. Q . Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?A . I
used to be.Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q. She had three children, right?A. Yes.Q How many were boys?A
None.Q Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked
like, but can you describe it?
17. Q. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?A. Yes.Q And
these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q. Have you lived in this town all your life?A. Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a
stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to
strike the next question."
20. Q. Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body
of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?A. It was in the evening. The autopsy
started about 8:30 pm.Q. And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that
correct?A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy!
======
Subject: self explanatory
Hello everyone, I'm SHARING!
TO: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.If you feel that you do not receive you share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T.list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Fr ur prsual,
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.Wait till Clinton sees this!European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the uvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
Enjoy, Dave
===== Subject: Testing & Quotes
Hi, Here are some excerpts from newspapers that a friend of mine in Virginia sent me. Obviously, there are some obvious things that are missing. Isn't that obvious? Dave....
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====== Subject: I didn't know that!
Hello all,
Here is some delightful trivia that was forwarded to me from my friend Don Yankovic....Little things you might have wonered about.....Enjoy.....Dave
Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.
Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella.
Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.
Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.
The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean McBricker.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees)
Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.
Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.
Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off...Thus the saying.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."
A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks like they are actually talking.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.
Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.
Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of whales is called a pod. A group of geese is called a gaggle. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament.
Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.
"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos,actually) to keep from freezing.
PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ==============================================================The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1996-10 October, 1996 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ==============================================================
1996-10-04The 1996 Ig Nobel PrizewinnersHere are the winners of the 1996 Ig Nobel Prizes, presented at the Sixth First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, held at Sanders Theater, Harvard University on Thursday evening, October 3, 1996. The Prizes were handed out by genuine Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, William Lipscomb, and others.
The Prizes honor people whose achievements "cannot or should not be reproduced."
The event was reluctantly presented by The Annals of Improbable Research (which has been described as "the MAD Magazine of science"). This year it was also co-sponsored by the Harvard Computer Society, Tangents (the Harvard-Radcliffe mathematical bulletin), and the Harvard-Radcliffe Science Fiction Association.
This year's ceremony was embroiled in controversy -- Sir Robert May, the science advisor to the British government, had asked the organizers to stop giving Ig Nobel Prizes to scientists, even when the scientists want to receive them. Nevertheless, this year's Ig Nobel roster included yet another prizewinner from England.
This year's ceremony also featured the world premiere of "Lament Del Cockroach," a mini-opera starring mezzo-sopranos Margot McLaughlin and scientist/Supermodel Symmetra as cockroaches and the Nobel Laureates as insects eager to mate. At the opera's conclusion, a meteorite from Mars eradicated the roaches while three plants sang Handel's Hallelujah Chorus ("Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! The roaches are gone!") and Earth's other life forms danced the macarena.
Here are the 1996 Ig Nobel Prize winners:
BIOLOGY Anders Baerheim and Hogne Sandvik of the University of Bergen, Norway, for their tasty and tasteful report, "Effect of Ale, Garlic, and Soured Cream on the Appetite of Leeches." [The report was published in "British Medical Journal," vol. 309, Dec 24-31, 1994, p. 1689.] Drs. Baerheim and Sandvik sent a videotaped acceptance speech, and watched the ceremony live on the Internet.
MEDICINE James Johnston of R.J. Reynolds, Joseph Taddeo of U.S. Tobaccco, Andrew Tisch of Lorillard, William Campbell of Philip Morris, and the late Thomas E. Sandefur, Jr., chairman of Brown and Williamson Tobacco Co. for their unshakable discovery, as testified before the US Congress, that nicotine is not addictive.
PHYSICS Robert Matthews of Aston University, England, for his studies of Murphy's Law, and especially for demonstrating that toast always falls on the buttered side. [The report, "Tumbling toast, Murphy's Law and the fundamental constants" was published in "European Journal of Physics," vol.16, no.4, July 18, 1995, p. 172-6.] Professor Matthews sent an audiotaped acceptance speech.
PEACE Jacques Chirac, President of France, for commemorating the fiftieth anniversary of Hiroshima with atomic bomb tests in the Pacific.
PUBLIC HEALTH Ellen Kleist of Nuuk, Greenland and Harald Moi of Oslo, Norway, for their cautionary medical report "Transmission of Gonorrhea Through an Inflatable Doll." [The report was published in "Genitourinary Medicine," vol. 69, no. 4, Aug. 1993, p. 322.] Dr. Moi traveled from Oslo to Cambridge -- at his own expense -- to accept the Prize. During the trip, Dr. Moi also delivered a lecture at Harvard Medical School about his achievement.
CHEMISTRY George Goble of Purdue University, for his blistering, world record time for igniting a barbeque grill -- three seconds, using charcoal and liquid oxygen. Professor Goble's colleague Joe Cychosz traveled to Cambridge to accept the Prize.
BIODIVERSITY Chonosuke Okamura of the Okamura Fossil Laboratory in Nagoya, Japan, for discovering the fossils of dinosaurs, horses, dragons, princesses, and more than 1000 other extinct "mini-species," each of which is less than 1/100 of an inch in length. [For details see the series "Reports of the Okamura Fossil Laboratory," published by the Okamura Fossil Laboratory in Nagoya, Japan during the 1970s and 1980s.]
LITERATURE The editors of the journal "Social Text," for eagerly publishing research that they could not understand, that the author said was meaningless, and which claimed that reality does not exist. [The paper was "Transgressing the Boundaries: Toward a Transformative Hermeneutics of Quantum Gravity," Alan Sokal, "Social Text," Spring/Summer 1996, pp. 217-252.]
ECONOMICS Dr. Robert J. Genco of the University of Buffalo for his discovery that "financial strain is a risk indicator for destructive periodontal disease."
ART Don Featherstone of Fitchburg, Massachusetts, for his ornamentally evolutionary invention, the plastic pink flamingo. Mr. Featherstone traveled to Cambridge to accept the Prize.
The ceremony also included an auction of plaster casts of the left feet of four Nobel Laureates, and several tributes to the concept of "Biodiversity." Thirteen-year old Kate Eppers, spokesperson for the Committee for Bacterial Rights, said:
"We live in a diverse society. Our biggest ethnic groups are not the Asians, the Africans or the Caucasians. Our biggest ethnic groups are the Bacteria. I used to wash my hands every day. My mom made me. But then I learned about ethnic cleansing. Every time you wash your hands, you wipe out billions and billions of Bacteria. That's not fair. Bacteria have rights, too. So let's be grown-ups about this. When mom asks you to wash your hands, just say No."
Further details -- including shocking photos -- will be posted in our web site (http://www.improb.com) during the coming months.
Distinctive patterns are everywhere!
Enjoy, Dave
=============================
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them.
If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
Here are some stimple seps to remember when you are writeing.
Enjoy, Dave ====================================================
HOW TO WRITE GOOD (The Write Way) by Sally Bulford (reprinted without permission from somewhere)1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Hi Out There,
What with the focus on the recent election, it is just possible that you may have overlooked this stunning story of the power of the computer revolution.
Enjoy, Dave
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IBM Helps Create Global Village ----------------------------------------------------------------KABINDA, ZAIRE--In a move IBM officers are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.
Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.
"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today."
According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem."
Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.
"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual.
IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village."
Having a bad day? Check these.......Dave
* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.* Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
* Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
* George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
* Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
* In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
* A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
* Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
* In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit, Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
* While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
* In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.
* Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
* An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, coming to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.
Things are getting hairy!!!!, but be of good cheer!!!! Enjoy,,,,drd
"Twas The Night Before Christmas".'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck. How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the North Pole were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear that Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, were placed with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; the ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened".
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose and had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, who suddently said she'd enough of this life, joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er a notion that making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets ....they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; he just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, but you''ve got to be careful with that word today. his sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, each group of people, every religion; every ethnicity, every hue, everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Here is a "quote" that was included in a list that I monitor. Just too good to not "share" with all of you...Enjoy...Dave
--- begin quote ---There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and technicians. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with technicians.
Georges Pompidou 1911-1974
--- end quote ---
Hi you all,
This is a contribution from Carolyn in Saint Louis....Thanx, Enjoy....Dave =============================================================
Top Five Reasons Computers Must Be Female:5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad Command or Filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
Hello Out There,
Here are a couple of things that might put a smile on your face. =======================
"It's better to have loved a short person and lost, than never to have loved a tall". =======================Or, if you are from Texas, ponder this.....
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks, fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.
===== Subject: Upgrading?
Hello to all of you on the tree.
Here is a funny from Jim Smith here in Friday Harbor..Apologies to all who find it "politically or sexually incorrect", but to paraphrase Lenin, the object of humor, is to humorize! ===================
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such a way, that it is always lauched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no options for the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and the BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish With each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
A "Don't remind me again" button
A minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conficts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.
To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING *****
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete Money before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
***** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *****
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.
===== Subject: Little known facts for art lovers...
Hi there!
Here are some little known facts about a well known artist...Enjoy,,,Dave
Even the most ardent art aficionados might not know that Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Some of his lesser known relatives were:His grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia - U. Gogh His great-great grandniece who wore a miniskirt and liked to dance - Go Gogh His real obnoxious brother - Please Gogh His dizzy sister - Verti Gogh His brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh His cousin who moved to Illinois - Chica Gogh His uncle, the magician - Wherediddy Gogh His cousin who lived in Mexico - Amee Gogh His nephew who drove a stage coach - Wells Far Gogh His aunt who loved ballroom dancing - Tang Gogh His uncle, the ornithologist - Flamin Gogh His cousin, the astrologer - Vir Gogh His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyst - E. Gogh His brother, the alcoholic - Juan Mo T. Gogh
Hi There,
This is from my friend Don Yankovic... Perhaps we need to re-evaluate our misconceptions...Enjoy,,,,Dave
========================
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked,"Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"
"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well,...it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?
It has been awhile, but have been very busy.
This comes from Dave Thomas, a friend in England. It offers food for thought concerning an eternal question....Enjoy, Dave ============================================
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"Plato:
For the greater good.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
FBI:
Give us ten minutes alone with the chicken and we will find out
Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.
Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan:
I forget.
Sappho:
Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of Hellas' fine armies.
Joseph Stalin:
I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omelette.
Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
De Loitte and Touche Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
WHY I AM SO TIRED????Relax,,,It's only a joke????? Enjoy....DaveI'm tired. For a couple of years I've been blaming it on my iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of the USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this.
====== Subject: Recognition?
Everyone wants some recognition...Here's a funny from my friend Marlene in San Diego... Enjoy, Dave... ===========
George Goldberg is elected as the first Jewish President of the USA.He calls his mother to come to the inauguration.
"How will I get from Chicago to Washington?"
"Mom, I'm President, I will send a plane for you."
"How will I get to the airport?"
"Mom, I'm President I will send a limousine."
"Where will I stay?"
"You will stay in the White House with me."
She agrees and on the day she is going, the limo pulls up and her neighbor comes over.
"Where are you going?
"To the inauguration."
"Who is being inaugurated?"
"You know my son Myron, the Doctor,......well it's his brother."
Just to brighten your daze!!! Here's a funny from my friend Don Yankovic... Enjoy...Dave ===================================
DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to
the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out
of it.
In 1996 the winner was an airforce sergeant who attached a JATO unit
to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the
roadbed.
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles-- one of
the
few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.
Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high
school,
he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately,
poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged,
he
had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He
went to the
local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and
several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated,
would measure more than four feet across.
Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn
chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated
the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was
still only a few feet above the ground.
Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-
pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun -- figuring he could pop
a
few balloons when it was time to descend -- and went back to the
floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet
gun and
provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about
30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few
hours come back down.
Things didn't quite work out that way.
When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't
float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the
LA sky
as if shot from a cannon.
He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet.
After climbing and climbing, he levelled off at 11,000 feet. At that
height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he
unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he
stayed
there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.
Then he really got in trouble.
He found himself drifting into the the primary approach corridor of
Los Angeles International Airport.
A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and
described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed
the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport.
LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter
was
dispatched to investigate.
LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore
breeze
began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter
in hot
pursuit.
Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew
determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in
for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away
whenever they neared.
Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet
above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was
hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed
by the helicopter crew.
As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting
members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace.
As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the
daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larrry stopped,
turned and
replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
Let's hear it for Larry Walters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner!
===== Subject: Toilet Police? (no joke)
And here's another one from my friend Don......Enjoy...Dave..... =================================================
The Toilet PoliceBY DAVE BARRY
If you call yourself an American, you need to know about a crucial issue that is now confronting the U.S. Congress (motto: "Remaining Firmly In Office Since 1798''). This is an issue that affects every American, regardless of race or gender or religion or briefs or boxers; this is an issue that is fundamental to the whole entire Cherished American Way of Life.
This issue is toilets.
I'm talking about the toilets now being manufactured for home use. They stink.
Literally. You have to flush them two or three times to get the job done. It has become very embarrassing to be a guest at a party in a newer home, because if you need to use the toilet, you then have to lurk in the bathroom for what seems (to you) like several presidential administrations, flushing, checking, waiting, flushing, checking, while the other guests are whispering: "What is (your name) DOING in there? The laundry?"
I know this because I live in a home with three new toilets, and I estimate that I spend 23 percent of my waking hours flushing them. This is going on all over America, and it's causing a serious loss in national productivity that could really hurt us as we try to compete in the global economy against nations such as Japan, where top commode scientists are developing super-efficient, totally automated household models so high-tech that they make the Space Shuttle look like a doorstop.
The weird thing is, the old American toilets flushed just fine. So why did we change? What force would cause an entire nation to do something so stupid? Here's a hint: It's the same force that from time to time gets a bee in its gigantic federal bonnet and decides to spend millions of dollars on some scheme to convert us all to the metric system, or give us all Swine Flu shots, or outlaw tricycles, or whatever. You guessed it! Our government!
What happened was, in 1992, Congress passed the Energy Policy and Conservation Act, which declared that, to save water, all U.S. consumer toilets would henceforth use 1.6 gallons of water per flush. That is WAY less water than was used by the older 3.5-gallon models --
the toilets that made this nation great; the toilets that our Founding Fathers fought and died for -- which are now prohibited for new installations.
The public was not consulted about the toilet change, of course; the public has to go to work, so it never gets consulted about anything going on in Washington. But it's the public that has been stuck with these new toilets, which are saving water by requiring everybody to flush them enough times to drain Lake Erie on an hourly basis. The new toilets are so bad that there is now -- I am not making this up -- a black market in 3.5-gallon toilets. People are sneaking them into new homes, despite the fact that the Energy Policy and Conservation Act provides for -- I am not making this up, either - - - a $2,500 fine for procuring and installing an illegal toilet.
I checked this out with my local plumber, who told me that people are always asking him for 3.5-gallon toilets, but he refuses to provide them, because of the law. The irony is that I live in Miami; you can buy drugs here simply by opening your front door and yelling: ``Hey! I need some crack!''
Here's another irony: The federal toilet law is administered by the U.S. Department of Energy. According to a Washington Post article sent in by many alert readers, the DOE recently had to close several men's rooms in the Forrestall Building because -- I am STILL not making this up -- overpressurized air in the plumbing lines was causing urinals to explode. That's correct: These people are operating the Urinals of Death, and they're threatening to fine us if we procure working toilets.
The public -- and this is why I love this nation -- is not taking this sitting down. There has been a grass-roots campaign, led by commode activists, to change the toilet law, and a bill that would do that (H.R. 859 -- The Plumbing Standards Act) has been introduced in Congress by Rep. Joe Knollenberg of Michigan. I talked to Rep. Knollenberg's press secretary, Frank Maisano, who told me that the public response has been very positive. But the bill has two strikes against it:
1. It makes sense.
2. People want it.
These are huge liabilities in Washington. The toilet bill will probably face lengthy hearings and organized opposition from paid lobbyists; for all we know it will get linked to Whitewater and wind up being investigated by up to four special prosecutors. So it may not be passed in your lifetime. But I urge you to do what you can.
Write to your congresshumans, and tell them you support Rep. Knollenberg's bill. While you're at it, tell them you'd like to see a constitutional amendment stating that if any federal agency has so much spare time that it's regulating toilets, that agency will immediately be eliminated, and its buildings will be used for some activity that has some measurable public benefit, such as laser tag.
So come on, America! This is your chance to make a difference! Stand up to these morons! Join the movement! Speaking of which, I have to go flush.
Hello, This was sent to me by a friend on the East coast..Jim....Thanx Jim. He also sent another note that sez this was all a hoax...Hoax or not, there are some clever ideas to appreciate here.....Enjoy...Dave
=========================================
Kurt Vonnegut's commencement address at MIT was passed on to me. I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought you would too.It's short and has a wonderful punch line....
Kurt Vonnegut's commencement address at MIT. ---------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
Another "Toilet Tale", Enjoy....Dave ==============================
From a Florida newspaper, forwarded by a friend:A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man,still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels into the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard that one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.--
And now a bit of humor from Paul's Wierd Humor, making fun of that universal experience: growing older :) ....Enjoy....Dave
===================================
An elderly couple pull up to a gas station;Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man (Yelling): He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up. Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man (Yelling): He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grandkids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you. --
Hi there, Here's one from a friend in St. Louis.... And if you have time on your hands, here is a whole new way to spend them.....Enjoy....Dave ===================================================
Ok, the story behind this is... There's this nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute to this man who sent the Institute one of his 'major finds'. ====================================================
Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211 D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9 mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities
Hi There, Here's another funny from my friend in San Diego...Enjoy...Dave ===========================================================
Comparison of Religious Theory in the Late 20th CenturyCapitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go
straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist - Once played, always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
Hello again,
Here's an installment sent to me by Shirley in Los Angeles...Enjoy..Dave =============================================================
Rita Rudner's Facts About Men1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Hi there, I am passing this on from my friend Pat in St.Louis..Enjoy Dave ===========================================================
THESE ARE FROM ACTUAL TRANSCRIPTS OF COURT CASES...
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
name!
* * * * *
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
* * * * *
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
* * * * *
Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!
* * * * *
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
* * * * *
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
* * * * *
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
* * * * *
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
* * * * *
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
* * * * *
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
* * * * *
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
* * * * *
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
* * * * *
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
* * * * *
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
* * * * *
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any.
* * * * *
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
* * * * *
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
* * * * *
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school
do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
* * * * *
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
* * * * *
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
* * * * *
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put
on top of my head.
* * * * *
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
* * * * *
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
* * * * *
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
* * * * *
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
* * * * *
Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
*******
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know
====== Subject: Safe Sex, and a word from our sponsors!
Hi there,
Here's a funny to start the week after your Laborious Weekend from Paul's Wierd Humor........Enjoy...Dave ========================
ManChul Park poses an intriguing question:
What if condoms had corporate sponsers?
. Nike Condoms: Just do it.. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
. Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
. Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
. Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you
use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
. New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.
. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
. Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
. Energizer Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
. Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
Hi there,
Saw this on the infowar.com site, and thought my friends down south might appreciate it....Enjoy...Dave ======================
How Things Would be Different if Microsoft was Based in South Georgia
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Awright" o "Naw".
4. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
5. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse.
6. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart.
7. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
8. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
9. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear".
10. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old TransAm.
12. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard.
13. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator.
14. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.
======= Subject:
Belief Systems at work!
Hello out there,
Here's another one from Paul's Wierd Humor, seems we can find what we look for....Enjoy..Dave =============================
Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his Father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure that his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure
that he was God.
Three proofs that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was for a drink.
Three proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His Mother did not know who his Father was.
Three proofs that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
Three proofs that Jesus was black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
Three proofs that Jesus was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
Three proofs that Jesus was a Democrat:
1. He forgave everybody's sins.
2. He defended prostitutes.
3. He recruited the poor.
Three proofs that Jesus was a Republican:
1. He urged people to pay taxes. ("render unto Caesar...)
2. He walked on water.
3. He caused the Church to become the wealthiest institution in the
world.
Three proofs that Jesus was NOT a physician:
1. He made the blind to see.
2. He made the lame to walk.
3. He made the sick be well.
======= Subject: Everythings relative!
Hi out there,
Here is a delightful one forwarded to me from Don Yankovic in Friday Harbor. Enjoy....Dave =================
It's all relative in life...
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied,"A million years to me is just like a single second in your time."Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied, " A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."
Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, " Certainly, just a second."
Hi there, here are a number of little thoughts that might improve your perspective.. Enjoy....Dave ======================
1.I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
-- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
2.A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
~Clifford C. Clavin {Cheers}
3.What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit,
to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
(who then get slandered and abused simply because they do what the
majority wants.)
4. "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago:
5.With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such
thing as progress.
-- Ransom K. Ferm
6.Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
7.Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
8.The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does
it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much
will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you
want fries with that?"
9.Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years
and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of
the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry
10.I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
11.A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James
12.Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes
hurtling down the highway.
-- Andrew Tannenbaum
13.We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom
that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down
on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again ---and
that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
-- Mark Twain
14.There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the
streets?
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
15.If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering
if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry
16.I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly
for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even
sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities
and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
-- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
17.When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
18.Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
19. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast
20.Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips
21.Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
22.Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize
a mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
23.Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination
to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_
24.As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important
that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money.
What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
25.When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist,
a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the
Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
-- Quentin Crisp
26.Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two
nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights
of another.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
27.I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country
with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of
being told that I am!
-- Monty Python
28.May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin
29.Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
30.Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution
inevitable.
-- John F. Kennedy
31.Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
32.My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
33.Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
34. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
35.Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1.Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.36.Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".2.Advising the President.
3.Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--David Letterman
37.For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson
38.I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless
we lose game five.
-- Charles Barkley
39.My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but
then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself
"the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
40.The most important thing in the programming language is the name.
A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented
a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
-- D. E. Knuth, 1967
41.A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit.
-- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's
magazine of preventive maintenance
42.An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1.People are animals.43.Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.2.The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3.Life is antagonistic to the living.
4.The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5.The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6.The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7.We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"
44.Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
45.On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
46.The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean)
number of legs.
-- E. Grebenik
47.Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."
48.Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding
you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac
49."If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal
procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself
over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
50.The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
-- Plutarch
51.Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take
more than one night."
-- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]
52.The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali
53.What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence
of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
-- Sigmund Freud
54.I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,
but
they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
55.Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
-- Mark Twain
56."Time's fun when you're having flies."
-- Kermit the Frog
57. Weird is Relative
-- Robert Aspirin
58."Anyone who has ever said "Easier than taking candy from a baby."
has never actually tried taking candy from a baby!
-- Robert Aspirin
59.Religion is a great force -- the only real motive force in the world,
but what you fellows don't understand is that you must get at a man through
his own religion, and not yours.
-- George Bernard Shaw "Getting Married" (1908)
60.It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of an indifferent opinion.
61.You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
avenged 1440 times a day
--Ambrose Bierce
62. If the professor could make a microwave out of Gilligan's hat and
two coconuts, why couldn't he fix the @$%!*# boat?!?!!?
~Opus
====== Subject: On the "up and up"
Hello out there!
Well, the September Fun-Shop is now only a memory. I spent yesterday relaxing and unwinding, so today figured it was time to put another branch on my joke tree. (This one is from Shirley in Los Angeles. Thanks Shirley).
PS: The OTCC webpage has the new dates for May 1998, and soon will have a page of archived joke tree branches! Enjoy...Dave ========================================================================
Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free sex!" They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten. The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is eight." The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, "Sorry, but the number was three." As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, "You know, I think that contest was rigged." The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, "Naw, it's on the up and up. My wife won twice last week".
Hi there,
Here is a funny sent to me by Jim Baun down in Californiay...Enjoy Dave.. ===============================================================
BUMPER STICKERS1. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
2. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
3. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
4. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
6. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
7. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
8. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
9. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11. Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.
12. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
13. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
14. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
15. There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
16. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
17. Learn from your parents' mistake - use birth control.
18. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
19. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
20. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
21. Assassins do it from behind.
22. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
23. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
24. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
25. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
26. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
27. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
28. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
29. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
30. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
31. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
32. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.